Switching Addictions=Switching Seats on the Titanic

Last night I listened to the Kindle female voice read the big book of  "Alcoholics Anonymous" while I cut-out a Simplicity vest pattern.  The soft tissue felt so airy and light but made a surprisingly loud noise.  I had a hard time going to sleep because I'd taken a long nap in the afternoon.   I went with Sho to Pflugerville to look at a truck for sale.  I felt exhausted afterwards because I continue to react to driving and being driven.  I feel so nervous and tense, fearing an accident might occur.  But I know, this too shall pass.  I will heal with time.  Most of all I feel grateful.  I know but for the grace of GOD it might have been so much worse.

Today I go to meetings.  I also love to listen to on-line speaker meetings in all the different fellowships.  I am fascinated by this spiritual malady and its symptoms.  How it looks different but is the same old thing, over and over.  Also how Bill W. was gifted by that Power Greater than ourselves to where he synthesized the recovery format of the 12 Steps program to the point it can be duplicated then used for a plethora of illnesses.  Amazing.  I read recently that at the end stages of his life, the last few days, he wanted a drink---craved it---and raised hell about it but there was no liquor at Stepping Stones so he didn't get it but it wasn't from lack of him trying to get it!  Fascinating.  Also how he died from congestive heart failure due to emphysema and pneumonia caused by smoking tobacco, another addiction.  Damn.  It seems as if one don't get you, another one will!

The same thing that killed Bill W. also killed my first sponsor, Charity V.  She had over 23 years of sobriety from alcohol but tobacco got her in the end.  I watched as she fought to kick it over and over.  Each fight got smaller and smaller, the relapse imminent.  I believe "others die so we can live".  One of Charity's gifts to me was the chance to see what tobacco addiction did to this sweet, loving, intelligent human being.  It killed her.

When I quit smoking November 17, 1993 I had a plan.  I smoked my last cigarette at 10pm, flushed the rest away.  The plan was...no matter what happens I can never smoke again.  If I have seizures, faint, a stroke, a heart attack or whatever happens as a result of quitting, detoxing...I can never smoke again. No matter how bad I feel, how nervous, angry, sad, busy, frantic...I can never smoke again.  No matter how celebratory, excited, happy I feel...I can never smoke again.  No matter what.  Here it is almost 19 years later and it's still the same...no matter what I can never smoke again.

When I quit smoking I gained 40 pounds in about 3-4 months.  Like a balloon.  I never was bony by any stretch of the imagination but not really obese like I seemed to become overnight.   Now I no longer drank or smoked my thoughts and emotions away...I stuffed them down (also as I age I notice my body's ability to get rid of fat is even slower than ever).  Jeesh.  So my plan is no matter what...I can no longer eat or drink anything unconsciously.  I must stay alert, aware, and awake.  Whatever or whenever it is I eat, I am to stay completely conscious no matter what.  No situations, people, places, things, reasons or excuses will suffice to justify or rationalize eating or drinking anything at any time unconsciously.  No matter what I can never eat or drink anything unconsciously ever again.  Period.  And so it begins...

God grant me the serenity
     to accept the things I cannot change,
     the courage to change the things I can,
     and the wisdom to know the difference.