I regret vs I'm sorry

A therapist and I once went into conflict about saying "I'm sorry".  I completely disagreed with her about using this phrase when making amends.

My experience has been when I say "I'm sorry" basically I'm saying I'm messed-up and to look out because I'm probably going to do it to you again.  I feel so badly to hurt you because deep down inside me I know I'm pitiful and will more than likely do it again.  Not only will I do it to you but to others too because that's the way I am.  That's the way I roll.  It's nothing personal to you because it has nothing to do with you.  It's all about who?  Selfish, self-centered to the core.

When I make an amends it's different when I say "I regret".  There is something solid, concrete.  Then I add the specific, observable behavior we can all see.  For instance:

• I want you to know I regret yelling at you.
• I regret using words to hurt you.
• I regret lying to you.
• I regret arriving late.

Then I make a commitment to change.  For example:

• I regret yelling at you and I want you to know I make a commitment to you that from now on I will work on keeping a quieter tone of voice.
• I regret using words to hurt you and from now on I will work on using my words in a loving, respectful manner towards you.
• I regret lying to you and from now on I will work on speaking the truth.
• I regret arriving late and from now on I will work on arriving on time.   

It sounds so simple but it's hard as heck to do because in my family it just wasn't the thing.  Are you kidding?  We weren't allowed to make mistakes, be wrong, imperfect.  To do so was to be compared to others, ridiculed, blamed, or physically hit.  So it felt like a life or death matter, in a way, to not make a mistake much less admit to making it!  The great family cover-up.  Undeserved loyalty to the family secrets.  Jeesh.  "Gotta look good, avoid looking bad" at all costs (which is one of the sayings I learned at the Landmark Forum) certainly applies here.

One of the gifts of the 12 Steps is the freedom from the bondage of people-pleasing which I never was very good at.  The paradox is the more I work the Steps, the better are my relationships with others.  It seems I am quicker to own my part in situations and to stop taking on other people's "stuff" and allow them to have the dignity to their own lives without my interference. I make my own amends, not everybody else's.  Live and Let Live.  Get the heck out of the way.  Whew!  What a relief!