and that our lives were unmanageable

If I looked superficially at my life I glossed over any problems, swept them under the rug, threw them in the back of the closet, and stuffed them in the dirty clothes hamper hidden from view.  Denial serves a purpose.

For me, the unmanageability was on the inside---like the seething, roiling molten bubbling hot lava of a smoldering volcano.  The ever-mixture of---to name a few---hurt, anger, rage, fear, anxiety, blaming, shaming, despair, frustration, criticism, sarcasm, no  forgiveness, complacency, deceptions, lies, emotional and mental disruptiveness, mood swings, violent verbal or physical outbursts, guilt-stricken, ingratitude, dishonesty, arrogance, false pride, hopelessness, grim lack of humor, unhappiness, martyrdom, immaturity, restlessness, impatience, closed-minded, perfectionism, procrastination, irresponsibility, pretending it will all go away by itself, burning resentment, gripping self-control or lack thereof, self-deception, low self-esteem, joyless, willfulness, feeling unattractive, lack of commitment, unkept promises, diminished self-respect, selfishness, tension, walking on eggshells, vengeful, abusive,, nonacceptance, inaction, analyzing, diagnosing, giving advice, inability to ask for help, unaware, unbalanced, lack of boundaries, bossy, caretaking, rigid attitudes, comparing, disapproval, confused, afraid, chaotic crisis, defensiveness, depression, over attached, disappointment, negativity, doubtful, enabling, expectations, grandiosity, inferiority, insecurity, self-centeredness, depending on others to do what I am perfectly capable of doing for myself, fantasy, illusions, delusions, forcing solutions, gossiping, grieving, alone, isolation, judgmental  loneliness, unloved, obsessive, pain, people-pleasing, one-sided perspective, powerlessness, risky behaviors, craziness, secrets, rejection, neglect, deprivations, self-hate, self-ignorance, self-pity, self-will, self-abuse, silence, intolerant, accepting unacceptable behavior, co-signing other people's inappropriateness, playing the victim, persecutor or rescuer roles, always waiting, worrying, fretting, living in the future, hostage to the past, distrustful, lack of faith---covered by an ever-mixture of multiple, valiant, doomed-to-failure efforts to control, contain, repress, suppress and deny.  At all costs, keep it all inside and squash it down.  Deny, deny, deny.