To turn our Will and our Lives over

Well, I missed blogging yesterday.  My grandchildren's other grandmother's sister died in the early morning hours.  The other grandmama called and informed me of her sister's passing away.  That even though it was expected...it was a shock. I listened and felt her grief exude through the phone.  Tears slid down my face in a silent cascade as I listened and related to her pain of loss.  After talking with her at 2:30 in the morning, I just wasn't able to go back to sleep.  I thought about them and then I thought about my own sister.  How I almost lost her in 2006 to drugs, alcohol and prescription pills.   How I arrived in the rooms of Al-Anon after 13 years in AA.  How was this possible?  I already was in a 12 Step program.  Why did I need another?  Was I unique in this matter?  Was I uniquely ill, worse off, stupider, off my rocker?  Why did I need this and other people didn't?  I felt so alone.

But since then, I've met many others who also are double, triple, multi-winners.  I'm keeping an open mind about this because, so far,  the ones I've met seem to have been pretty mangled from their life experiences.  On the outside, they present in a certain way.  But in the spirit, in my mind's eye, I picture them as magnificent spiritual warriors, forged by surviving the fires of hell.  They can help like no other because they truly know what it's like to not only be in the pit of hell, and not only to survive hell, but to triumph over hell.  To spread their wings and fly not by their own power but by the grace of the Higher Power.  They have the personal experience of relying on the Higher Power to do for them what they nor any other human being could do.  Freedom at last.  But at a price.

The price is to let go.  Turn it all over.  All of it.  My will to be self-centered, selfish, egocentric, etc. in not only my life...also yours and everybody else's.  Putting my life at the center of the Universe, and me in the center of my life.  Me, me, me.  As if I know what's best for me and you.  Skewing the whole perspective to my point of view.  Busy being busy.  "Gotta look good, avoid looking bad".  Busy on how I think it ought to be.  Busy on pushing, pulling, coercing, manipulating, lying, denying...trying to be the Force of the World.  Obsessing.  Compulsive.  Fixating.  Narrowing, rigid, constricting point of view with blinders on.  Exerting my will on everybody else's.  AND think I'm doing fine when I get away with it.  AND judging everybody else when I don't.

To turn my will and life over I must get out of the navigator's seat.  The Controller.  The Director.  Stop it.

So easy to say and hard as heck to do for someone like me.