Til the pain sets in. And spreads. It does not stay contained. It spreads like peanut butter. It not only affects me but it affects everybody around me. Cunning, powerful and baffling. Denial is incredibly powerful.
"I'm fine. My children are fine. See how we all smile and act fine?", I say with the greatest of confidence. I cover up my feelings, get a grip on my emotions, white knuckle indeed. My mask in place. As the parent, I lead the way. I model the behavior, teaching my children by example the unspoken rule. Unspeakable even to myself.
The unspoken rule is, "Cover the pain. Deny, deny, deny. And smile while you do this. Never let on just how deeply you hurt." I mean, what would the world be like if we were authentically expressing our feelings instead of repressing, suppressing, depressing and compressing them down deep inside? Until it hurts to feel them and it hurts to express them?
I learned, just like I taught my children, to wear the mask. What hurt more than feelings was being taught to wear a mask in the first place. The indignity. The assault on the True Self was incredibly hurtful.
Freedom from the pain is freedom from the bondage of self. Freedom from having to wear the mask of the adapted Self. No body is "making" me wear it any longer. I learned so well to wear the mask at all costs that now I wear it automatically. It's as if I lived on the moon or Mars as a child and I was taught my survival depended on wearing a spacesuit with helmet, oxygen tank strapped to my back, and space shoes at all times to survive in that low gravity, airless environment or I would die without it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6wxp3Z_zks Now I'm on Earth and no longer need the spacesuit but I have a hard time letting it go. This is what I'm used to. This is what I know. I fear I might die without it. I keep putting on my spacesuit. I'm afraid to let it go. I am doing it to me. No one else is putting it on me any more than what I allow. I give them permission. I volunteer. I give my power away. I wear it. But now, I'm not on the moon anymore and the spacesuit is too heavy and it hurts more than it helps. It no longer does for me what it used to do. I must let it go. What is amazing about the pain is the potential for change. What a great motivator! I hurt enough and I become willing to do anything I can to stop the pain. When I think of the enormity of what happened to me and I think about how inadvertently this was passed on to my precious, lovely, gifted children I feel a strong commitment to my recovery. To not only learn to stop wearing the mask. To stop it.
As a parent and a grandparent I make a living amends to the younger ones when I work the Steps, the Traditions, stay connected to my Higher Power, do the work...one day at a time...stay true to the course...I help lead the way when I stop wearing the mask and be who I really am, a child of GOD, just like you are..100% loving and lovable, beautiful, talented, gifted, blessed, of exceptional value to the world,etc...Step 1...Sincerely, Carol xoxox
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