The long, long road

Well...yesterday when I was writing the blog I kept thinking, "Hmmm, I wonder if I go to physical therapy today?  Nah. I think it's tomorrow, October the second."  This happened a couple of times, shrugged it off.  Finished blogging then went to prepare breakfast.

Cut up and sauteed some onion, mushroom, a bit of hot green chile, stirred in a couple of egg whites and finally some spinach leaves.  Enjoyed breakfast.  Heard the phone ring but missed the call.  Later I checked the voicemail message.  It was the therapist.  I'd missed my appointment.

Wow.  I just fell apart.  I immediately called her back.  I blubbered and cried, grief stricken because the sessions are really helping me and to miss one is unacceptable.  I need all the help I can get and for me to not do what I need to do is just about unforgivable. I felt demolished by the self-castigation which is what hurt the worst.  The negative feelings were like a tsunami with overwhelming intensity, ruthlessly washing over me.  The wreck on July 31st feels like it's still happening to me.  Jeesh.  What a victim role I play!  Grrrr.  

Anyway, the therapist re-scheduled me to go in at 2pm.  I went to the session and it made all the difference in the world.  I felt awesome.  Soothed and roughed up at the same time.  Amazing.  And no matter what...I still showed up.

One thing I've heard is when we quit drinking, we feel better.  Yes. It's true.  We feel all our feelings better, stronger, much more authentically.  The problem is what to do with them?  How to embrace, manage and cope with all my feelings effectively without stuffing, suppressing, distorting, contorting, denying, repressing, etc. or "using"/"acting out"?  Also I've noticed how I try to dull the affect of negative feelings which in turn dulls my happy feelings.  One affects the other.  Jeesh.  Dear Higher Power, I hand this all over to You.  Do with me as You Will that I may best serve You and those who can benefit from my efforts, however inept and imperfectly, to live life authentically.  Love, Carol xoxox