Two Authorities

Yesterday was i-n-t-e-n-s-e.  I may need to re-evaluate how I do my Saturdays by asking my Higher Power for help.

 This morning I read some of "As Bill Sees It".  Three of the pages really stood out.

• "Telling the Worst", page 311  ...storytelling and exhibitionism vs. truly regretting past actions (referring to excessive guilt)
• "Tolerance keeps us Sober", page 312..." will somehow find a way to get well and stay well in the company of others".  
• "Two Authorities", page 319...GOD, "who very simply says, 'I am waiting for you to do my will.'  The other authority is named John Barleycorn, and he says, 'You had better do GOD's Will or I will kill you.'"

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU.  Love, Carol

as YOU Will...

Well, Sho called last night that he'll come home today, GOD-willing.  He said he caught a large-sized red, a couple of sheepshead, etc.  He sounded peaceful, happy.  He loves to fish, to be by the water.  GOD bless on his adventures to and fro.

Today I meet with my Alanon sponsor.  I must keep an open mind and the willingness to stay humble.  Ahhh, such subtle resistance presents.  I put this in my Higher Power's Hands.

Dear Sweet Lord, As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Spread it Around

Stitch spent the night.  He and Elvis took turns in waking me up so they could go outside to relieve themselves, prowl around the house or lounge on the porch.  Right now they are both sprawled, relaxed and appear to be fast-asleep.  Their breathing is so peaceful, I almost want to go back to sleep.  LOL

Anyway, Sho left to go fishing yesterday and it's so nice and quiet.  He said he'd be back tonight.  It's so far to the coast but well worth it to him because he loves to fish there.  GOD bless him on his journey to and fro.

I'm grateful for this moment.  Later I expect to go to work and hope to share some of this peace, love and serenity. Spread it around like peanut butter.  LOL

This morning, I also want to plant seeds in some container pots.  Well, I put this all in GOD's Hands.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for YOUR generous abundance today of all YOUR gifts in my life.  I ask YOU to please help me in sharing peace, love, joy and serenity with others.  As YOU Will.  All glory to YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

Living in a Virtual World Created by Moi

I've been reading "The Fifth Agreement" at night before bedtime.  I like how the ideas/perspectives in this book challenge me to expand my repertoire of living life as a human being.  Fascinating.  It seems to me amazing the idea we live most of our lives in our heads, in a virtual world we create.  How many of us do otherwise?

I work on staying out of my head by staying in the moment, staying grounded in my body, reality in the present...feel my toes flexing in my shoes, breathe in deeply to "smell" the moment, etc.  But no sooner said...like an elastic I'm back in there. Thank GOD, it's about progress and not perfection. LOL

Well, one simply mahvelous, dahling
gift of working the Steps is I can let go of the illusions of "control" and enjoy life on life's terms...one day at a time.  Really breathe it in.  Relax.  What a peaceful, serene feeling.

Dear Higher Power, YOU are so amazingly wonderful, powerful, ALL-This and That plus a bag of potato chips.  Thank YOU for all YOUR gifts YOU shower on us all, the so-called "good" and the so-called "bad".  Please show me the way to do YOUR Will, Lord, in all my relationships.  As YOU Will, Lord.  Love, Carol xoxox

A Heart Full of Gratitude

You know, a real gift in the 12 Steps program is the assignment of writing a daily list of gratitude.  Not just in my head, thinking about a list but actually getting a piece of paper and a pen or pencil then writing it down.  There is such a high level of awareness, acceptance and action in actually doing the work.  It takes commitment to follow through with this.  And it really does work.  B-U-T I'm lazy, in a hurry, too busy, too anything but do it.  I make up excuses and reasons to justify or rationalize why I'm special and can do it my way which seems to me the easier, softer way.    Then, doggone it, some nebulous day in the future, I realize just how important it is to do what was suggested.  I just wasn't ready, I guess.  Jeesh.

Anyway, just for today I realize if my heart is full of gratitude for the multitude of blessings bestowed then somehow, my point of view on GOD, me and you is so much kinder, patient, tolerant, flexible and generous...and my behaviors act according to how I'm thinking.

Dear Higher Power that holds the moon, stars, galaxies and everything else, I love YOU and thank YOU for loving me.  YOU give my life meaning and purpose.  Without YOU, I am nothing   Lord, grant me the wisdom, courage and strength to do YOUR Will today and everyday.  All glory to YOU, Lord.  Love, Carol xoxox

Hands-off

Well, yesterday I listened to the Drum family talk about their experiences of living with the "isms" from each one's perspective.  Simone is the recovered Alateen daughter, Keith is the recovered alcoholic, and Sue the recovered Alanon.  If you have a chance, please click to listen:

Drum family

You know, I feel so grateful to hear their voices speak their truths, their different perspectives, their own point of view... lovely to listen to.  Maybe not everybody's external circumstances unfold in such a way as the Drum family's did but on the inside...there...we are all the same.

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the mighty works of YOUR Hands.  YOUR Power, Compassion, Merciful Blessings are bountiful and available to us all. Thank YOU for YOU being YOU.  Please help guide and support me through this day.  All glory to YOU.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Gardening and the after-effects

Wow.  Yesterday was a-m-a-z-i-n-g.  I worked on my garden and I also worked on a roll-around contraption container garden I asked Sho to help me create.  I weeded some, then planted seeds, wrote notes on graph paper as a reminder of what was planted where, etc.   My goodness, gardening is great exercise and hopefully there will be the pleasure of enjoying fruits and vegetables for our labor, GOD-willing.

Last night I slept really well then Elvis woke me up because he wanted to go outside.  I opened the front door and he went to do his nocturnal explorations while I went back to bed but not right back to sleep.  So I picked up my Kindle, did some of the Criss-Cross Word puzzle then later read some of "The Fifth Agreement" until Elvis wanted back inside and finally I went back to sleep.

This morning I am crickety, a little stiff but I feel alive, invigorated, like I want to do more on the garden but I know to honor my body's limitations because experience has shown me when I push too hard it's better I act disciplined than compulsive.  Hard to describe the difference, kind of like if I close one eye I can see, shut that one then open the other, I can still see but when I see with both eyes open...now we're talking a difference in perception.

Anyway, my daughter called and I must leave to go meet her.  GOD bless and keep you throughout this day!  Love, Carol xoxox

Correcting the Mistakes along the Way

Well, yesterday was very interesting.  I did the regular morning ritual of connecting with the Higher Power then dressed and went to honor my new Saturday 12 Steps meetings schedule.  English Alanon, then to Spanish Alanon, then to AA.  For a moment there, I felt a bit overwhelmed.

The reading in English Alanon was from the blue book titled "How Alanon Works".  "Keep Coming Back" was the section.  It was an awesome meeting, intensely forgiving, inclusionary.

Afterwards I hurried across to another room where a Spanish male AA member (I'll call him "Fisherman" from now on) who is helping to start Nueva Vision, waited for me and he had a new sponsee in tow.  How truly humbling.  We listened to Salvador then opened the meeting.  Sweet.  I put this in GOD's hands.  Just when I started to doubt, hem and haw, almost just about to give up, almost convince myself I'm delusional, what's the point in trying to keep the Nueva Vision meeting going, no body cares...then Fisherman shows up, makes a commitment.  Wow.  It was intense.

Also, I was asked last week to chair the AA meeting this week and I answered, "Yes", the way I've been taught to do.  So I did.  After the opening, I randomly opened the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous" and read the first two paragraphs of Chapter 7, Working with Others.  I mentioned how I struggled, struggle along the way.  When an old-time male AA friend spoke, he talked about the "trudge".  Anyway, after the meeting he and I were sitting at the table in the half-measure room.  He was reading the newspaper.  He appeared to tense, ever so slightly, as I reached for a section of it lying on the table but I asked him first which pile he had already read because there were two piles, one on his right and one on his left.  He relaxed and said he'd already read the right pile.  He smiled and we were on the same page of understanding.  LOL  Then he asked me what's going on that I'm so hard on myself?

We reminisced about the time, quite a few years back, when I'd chaired a meeting and afterward he'd approached me.  He told me he heard I'd been talking bad about a friend of his and he wished I'd quit.  Now, back then, I used to have a big problem with character assassination in that I talked bad about other people, behind their back, never to their face.  I was quite accomplished in saying this and that about them as if it was true but they weren't even there to defend themselves or express their own point of view. I killed them off by word of mouth.  A part of my amends process has been to stop talking negatively about people from behind or in front.  Love and tolerance is our code, in deed.  So I felt anguished when he confronted me.  "Oh, my gosh!  Who have I been talking bad about?", I asked.  He answered, "You."

So here we were again.  He asked me what's going on I'm "struggling"?  I told him that was my new Alanon sponsor I'd met with last week.  He asked me what part had I skipped or skimped on in my Steps that I even felt the need to get a sponsor from people who "control"?  I've been asking myself the same.  Obviously, I need to take a new inventory. Obviously, I'm not "done" yet. Obviously...this is a life-long process.

We also talked about Kerrville and how I love music, can write it.  How Marty told me a l-o-n-g time ago to keep writing.  Did I listen?  N-n-n-o-o-o.

Today I hope to plant the seeds for my garden.  Wow.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator of All, I love YOU and I thank YOU for loving me.  O Lord, YOU are The Greatest, The Highest, The Source, The One.  How wondrous are YOUR Works.  Thank YOU for the privilege of Life, the honor to be here and the opportunity to be of service to YOU and YOUR beloved children.  Please help me be victorious over all the chains that bind me, Lord, and may others see the glorious, powerful Healer and Protector YOU are, that YOU love us all, no matter what...YOU love us all unconditionally.  LORD, please help me remember there's nothing, not enough human will power or works that can earn me YOUR grace.  I merely need to receive it because its freely given, in great abundance, always available.  Thank YOU again and again.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Storm of Feelings

Well, yesterday I didn't blog because I was distracted then forgot all about it.  I did however, do my readings, journaling, prayer and meditation.

Beginning around January 1st, I started reading about 9 books in the morning, averaging 5 minutes each.  In this order, usually:

DAY BY DAY, DAILY REFLECTIONS, ONE DAY AT A TIME IN ALANON, HOPE FOR TODAY, COURAGE TO CHANGE, AS WE UNDERSTOOD, ALANON 12 & 12, IN ALL OUR AFFAIRS, PATHS TO RECOVERY

I decided to saturate my mind with literature (information processed by trusted committees in the fellowships), go to meetings, listen to on-line meetings, depend on my Higher Power, pick up the phone, etc.  Just pump up my program, withholding n-o-t-h-i-n-g.  Action, action, action.

This morning the things that caught my attention were...

Yesterday I listened to a Gamblers Anonymous online speaker meeting.  Tom S Minnesota  Wow.  Can you believe it???  Tom spoke about the spinning plates I'd mentioned on Weds blog!!!  What a coincidence!

Another is when I read about a storm of feelings.  What a description.  Feelings can show up like...a wave of sadness, an uplifting of the spirit awash with love, a thunderstorm of anger, a tornado of fearsome proportions of grief, remorse, guilt, fear or fury.  Powerful or subtle.  A cool breeze or frozen concoction.

And another is a reading about the taboo of incest and the resulting sadness, depression, invalidation from the child's mother, the role of "different" the child grew up playing even as an adult.  I can relate.  Today I remembered when Ray and Rudy would take turns twisting my fingers back, back,  back until I was on my knees.  They demanded I say "mercy" and I hated them.  The fury I felt.  The outrage as tears cascaded down my face and sweat as I fought back...to no avail.  They won every time.  Then stuck their member in my throat, taking a turn.  And there were times when my little brother was their focus and, I sob as I type this, I begged them no, no.   I volunteered, please leave him alone.  Sometimes they did, then other times, no.  The truth is I hated to be at their mercy, I hated my little brother being subjected to them, and at times, I was relieved when it wasn't me.  The shame I felt for not being able to "save" us.  Then later on when I did ultimately call Child Welfare and we were removed, we'd been through so much.  The guilt and shame for not calling sooner.  Then the YEARS of secret guilt and shame for taking us away from our family, extended family and city we were born and raised.  I didn't dare admit I was the one who'd made the call for help.

Now, as a 58 year old woman, I look back and see me as a little girl frightened, overwhelmed and incredibly courageous who fought back in the only way I knew how.  Wow.  Amazing.  Even more amazing, I look back and I see where my Higher Power was carrying me so many times...and I knew something bigger than me was involved but I didn't know what.  Like the Footprints in the Sand.  Kewl.

Dear Higher Power, thank YOU again for helping me so much.  Without YOU it's just BARELY an existence and WITH YOU I experience life as glorious, magnificent, awesome, powerful, amazing.  Thank YOU for this moment, every moment.  One day at a time.  Please guide me, show me the way to do YOUR Will everyday in every way and the strength, courage, wisdom and willingness to Accept and Do It!   Love, Carol xoxox

Spinning Plates

I remember when I was a child there was a TV program called "The Ed Sullivan Show".  I loved to watch it because Mr. Sullivan, who seemed to me to be stoic, staid and tightly self-controlled, always had different acts, bands and people like The Beatles, Sonny and Cher, comics, etc.  One night, there was an act where a man had dinner plates spinning.  As tense circus-like music played, he hurriedly ran back and forth as he kept those plates whirling.  Wow.  That was cool.

I used to think I could do Life in the same way.  I had a lot of "plates" spinning but I never really stopped to fully appreciate, attentively appreciate each individual endeavor because I lost myself in the pressure and stress of managing, controlling all of it.  Even though I sure broke a lot of "plates", some precious, through the years, I kept trying to do it all at a great cost.  My sanity, serenity, and happiness.  Jeesh.  That was the old way.

The new way for me is to pick up a few spiritual tools and apply them, use them, in my life, in all my spinning relationships.  Relationships with GOD, me, other people, my job, my co-workers, finances, ambitions, etc.  And to stop the spinning.  I no longer have anything to prove to anybody about anything.  My life is not a circus act.  It is a gift from GOD.  It is a privilege to be here, to embrace and celebrate the awesome, glorious beauty of being here.  What an honor to share this time, space and energy with GOD and with you.  Wow.

Dear Higher Power, that which is Greater Than All of Us put together, thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

inhale--relax---exhale

Well, I did my readings this morning and focused on "Paths to Recovery".  Jeesh.  Seems like every time I read this stuff, more shows up even though I know I was very thorough the first time I read it.  Anyway, I persevere.

My son, Beau, is going to come by this morning to help me drop-off some things at Savers which is a thrift store.  I really appreciate his willingness to help.

I had a hard time staying asleep last night.  I went to bed too early.  Oh, well, it's all good.  Better be, because what's the alternative?  GOD-willing and the creek don't rise, I'll get my proper rest tonight.  Yeah!

I enjoyed getting calls and texts from some of my sponsees checking-in.  The beauty of this program is that it's not about perfection.  It's about progress as we trudge the road of Happy Destiny in the Sunlight of the Spirit.

Dear GOD, thank YOU.  YOU bless us all with plenty of opportunities to live life on YOUR terms.  I pray for knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom and the willingness to ACCEPT and TO DO IT!  Love, Carol xoxox

So many miracles...thank YOU.

Wow!  Yesterday was truly exciting!  After prayer, meditation, reading the literature, blogging it was time for me to get the show on the road.  LOL

I peeled potatoes, cooked them in olive oil, heated up tortillas, and cooked some over-easy eggs for Sho and me.  I cleaned up and went to the Club for my meetings.

I switched from going to the Sunday Women's AA 3pm meeting and now attend English Alanon from 10am-11am, then Spanish Alanon 11-12, then English AA from 12-1pm.  Kewl.  My big deal about this is an effort to do meetings without using up so much gas, keeping efficient.  Of course, I also listen to speaker on-line meetings everyday.  I feel so grateful for the times I live in.  So many opportunities!  Wow, indeed!

Well, a miracle happened.  An AA Hispanic male came by the club and I told him about how I keep showing up to do the Spanish Alanon meeting and have no takers.  He said, "I'll help you.  Guess what?  I sponsor Hispanic AA males and guess who calls me?  Their wives.  When I want to meet with them, guess where I gotta go?  To their houses.  Guess where a meeting has to happen a lot of times.  In their house.  I'll be here with you to help.  Another thing is, we won't have to focus so much on the GOD thing cause they got a lot of that."  He's also agreeable to do this meeting formatted around listening to Salvador's platicas (speaker tapes).  Oh, my GOD.  What a blessing!  Just when I was seriously considering giving up!  Wow.

My self-esteem has really been taking a battering from me here lately.  The Mae West quote "When I'm good, I'm very good. When I'm bad, I'm better" kind of applies here because I notice I heal in certain ways then other hurts surface, then I do the work, heal some, then other stuff, etc.  It's when I stop doing what works that I'm in greater harrowing situations.  

Anyway, just as I was leaving the Club, I saw a young (27 years old) Alanon friend that I know has worked the Steps.  I told her I really had a hard time getting someone to sponsor me in Alanon because they say they're either too busy, going thru hard times themselves, one told me to go to OA first before she'd help me, etc.  I asked her if she's still working with her sponsor?  Yes. (Check.)  How far along her Steps? Nine.  (Check). How would she feel with sponsoring a 58 year old woman.  Fine.  (Check).  She asked how would I feel to have a 27 year old woman as a sponsor?  Fine.  (Check).  How did I feel about starting back at Step 1?  Fine.  (Check).  We arranged to meet on Saturdays right after the AA meeting.  We agreed to use the "Paths to Recovery" Alanon book which in my humble opinion is one of the most powerhouse books of that fellowship, a close second to "Alcoholics Anonymous" big book..

Anyway, after all these mixed blessings occurred I arrived back at the house and I felt crappy, dismayed, deflated, almost that impending doom feeling I used to be so familiar with.  Lethargic, like nothing really mattered.  Wow.  After so many blessings.

My grandson came to spend the night because he and Sho went fishing early this morning.  And for once, I was kind of withdrawn, to myself, not the busybody hostess.  He seemed fine with this.  And Elvis didn't try to bite him.  Kewl.  I finally went to the emofree.com website to study it a bit.  You just never know...LOL

Well, today I'll clean some beans and put them in the crockpot to slow cook and GOD-willing, I'll work on my gardening.  Just for this moment, I am at peace and grateful to be here.

Dear GOD Almighty Creator, YOU are The Wonder of my life and without YOU life is not possible. Thank YOU for the multiple gifts YOU shower upon us all.  YOU are The Greatest, Mostest of All.  Please guide me, Lord, through this day to be of service to YOU and YOUR children. Love, Carol xoxox

Said "Good morning, GOD"---even though didn't believe in GOd

I read about how this person didn't believe in GOD and was instructed to just "say 'Good morning, GOD.' every morning even if you don't believe it." then with time, came to believe. (page 81, "As We Understood").

I can relate to this because I remember struggling with doubt there was a god, much less, The GOD Almighty Creator.  I feared not believing and I feared believing.  Either way I felt screwed.  Mainly because of early childhood experiences where the word "god" was used to punish, abuse me.  "In the name of God" blah, blah, blah.

When I arrived to the rooms of the 12 Steps I heard people say, "Act as if" and I am one of those who definitely needed to hear this.  It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, with time I would have what they had...a personal relationship with GOD.

I prayed to GOD, wrote letters to GOD, did the "Let Go and Let GOD" dance many times.  And really didn't believe, understand or embrace the idea of a "higher" anything.  It has really been a long process for me.  I've come a l-o-n-g way.  :)  Yeah!

I've come to believe there is a Power greater than me, you and everybody else that has it all covered.  Smarter, Stronger, Faster, More Magnificent, Stupendous, Colossal, Glorious, Majestic, Breath-takingly Beautiful, Compassionate, Merciful, Profoundly Loving...mere words cannot describe...as I bow my head...

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty, thank YOU, thank YOU, thank You!  Love, Carol xoxox

Slogan Power

Today what kept showing up in reading this morning's recovery literature was the importance of the slogans.  It is true it takes a while to learn and apply the Steps in all my relationships but the slogans are easy to learn and remember to apply.  I regard the slogans as spiritual tools I can use on the fly.

The Steps are more like power tools, like electric drills, saws, air compressors (for those who are mechanics or wood-craftspeople, etc.) compared to a handheld screwdriver, saw, etc.  Or a sewing machine compared to using a hand needle.  Or like using an electric mixer vs a hand mixer. The job can get done but not as efficiently, powerfully or large scale.

The slogans work.  Quick, concise and effective.  I'll whip out "Let it begin with me" which is another way to say...keep the focus on me.  Or "Live and Let Live", "KISS"...Keep It Simple, Sweetheart, etc.
Apparently I'm one of those that needs every trick in the bag, every tool at my disposal, every tip, and most especially to remember the "GOD idea works" (mentioned in "Daily Reflections" today).

In early sobriety I experienced the Serenity Prayer like a lifesaver.  I found myself saying it over and over and over.  The slogans are like that too in that they help me keep on track.  It takes what it takes.

Dear Higher Power that is Large and In Charge, thank YOU for this precious moment.  Thank YOU for YOUR love, support, guidance, protection and power as I go forth in this day.  Lord, may I be of service to YOU and YOUR creation.  As YOU Will.  Just for today.  Love, Carol xoxox

GOD...not just a road. The Whole Road Map

This morning some of the readings were hilarious!  I was laughing out loud.  Usually a sign...  LOL

I read in "...In All Our Affairs", page 40, where there was a woman living with an actively drinking alcoholic and she wanted to hang on to him no matter what.  She was afraid he was going to leave her so she did her best to be perfect.  Sex anytime, sparkling dishes, great meals, laundry all done, grass mowed, etc.  "The more I aspired for perfection, the more my husband found fault and the more I feared he would walk out.  I was becoming worn out from all I was doing, and my fear of being alone was eating me alive.", she wrote.

I also read in "As We Understood", p.73-78, where another woman struggles with "Should I stay or should I go now?"

In my life circumstance I live with an active alcoholic (I'm not diagnosing him.  He tells me he is an alcoholic.).  I, too, am a recovered alcoholic.  Through the grace of GOD and working the 12 Steps program, the compulsion, fixation, obsession to drink alcohol was removed from me January 17, 1993.    I also quit smoking cigarettes (Marlboro reds) November 17, 1993.  My sponsor, Charity, told me it's not really recommended to quit other addictions during the first year of sobriety because relapse with one can make relapse with another more likely.  (She died a couple of years later from congestive heart failure due to cigarette addiction).  But my 3 packs a day addiction was making me sick where I constantly coughed, spoke with a hoarse voice, couldn't sing, my hair smelled of cigarette smoke and all my clothes sported at least one cigarette hole...so I cold-turkeyed.  Haven't smoked since then.  Instead, I gained a lot of weight.  I wasn't that little to begin with but I sure as heck wasn't as big as I am now.

Now, I'm fat, obese, morbidly obese at 267lbs.  One of my co-workers told me she'd learned one thing from going to Overeaters Anonymous..."It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you."  So, this in turn leads me back to the quote above, "...and my fear of being alone was eating me alive."

I notice I need to go back in and do some more inventory work.  No one else can do this for me, I must do it myself, for myself and not by myself.  This is where I need my Higher Power and sponsor to help me along the way.  :)  So I won't get lost, or held captive by the past or into morbid reflection or any of the other sidetracks possible.

I like what the woman in "As We Understood" further writes, "In reality, there are many routes to choose from, both on the highway and in our lives, and GOD is willing to work with our choices if we will only let Him....You see, I feel that my Higher Power isn't one particular route in life.  To me, He is the whole road map.  Now, I ask GOD's guidance as I travel."  Kewl.  What a concept.  Almost like quantum physics.  LOL

Dear Sweet Lord Creator, I love YOU and I thank YOU for loving me.  YOU are The Most High, Greatest, Awesomest.   Thank YOU for the amazing potentialities YOU bestow upon us all.  Lord, please support and guide me through this maze of Life.  YOU are The Way, The Source of All and without YOU I am nothing, no thing.  I put my all into YOUR Loving, Healing, Powerful, Compassionate, All-knowing Hands.  May I follow YOUR Will, Lord, not mine.  As YOU Will...Love, Carol xoxox

Treasures of the Spirit

Am I willing to change my old way of living into compliance with my new way of being, of thinking?

Do I embrace and cherish the things of the Spirit which are (as listed on page 81, "Daily Reflections") unconditional love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and humility?  Are these my new treasures that no one can steal, take away from me, nor do they rust AND I will be able to take with me when I leave this Earth-plane?

Some times I can even see the value of the things that block me from the Sunlight of the Spirit, such as selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear because their presence creates darkness which propels me to head to the Light.  Just by sheer contrast I can "see" the difference and get busy working the Steps in all aspects of my life.

Dear Sweet Lord Creator, I love YOU and I thank YOU for loving me.  YOU are so amazingly wonderful and wondrous.   The works of YOUR Hands are beyond comprehension, stupendous and colossal in majestic proportions way beyond human comprehension.  No matter how hard we try, we have our limitations in the human experience.  Like, if I try to see both sides of a dime at the same time. I can't.  But I know YOU can see it all, before it was even here.  Wow.  How truly "WOW" YOU are!  Thank YOU for giving us the gift of Life.  Please help me, Lord, lean not on my own understanding and that I trust in YOU instead...in all my affairs.  Just for today.  One day at a time, sometimes just one minute at a time.  Love, Carol xoxox.

Gratitude Calendar and The Reins

I love to listen to songs and put my Higher Power in the mix.  For example, "You are the wind beneath my wings" or "Without You", etc.  So in privacy I sing to GOD the tunes of songs I love.  Very nourishing to my spirit.  LOL

Anyway, this morning in my readings what kept coming up was the stay out of GOD's business.

One tip I encountered in "Hope for Today" was a "gratitude calendar" where each day something is written down to feel grateful for.  This is a way to push the reset button...to start the day over at any time.  Good idea.

Another thing I read (Alanon's "12 &12", p.19) where it mentions that a slip is when we "take back the reins into our own hands".

I've heard it said that before an alcoholic ever relapses and takes that drink, or addict takes their chemical of preference, the relapse happened long before in their minds.  Just like the Alanon.  We all "take back the reins into our own hands".

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for all.  YOU're The Greatest.  I hand it all over to YOU and I work to keep my hands off.  Please, Lord, give me knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom and Willingness to ACCEPT and To Do It.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Alphabet List of Gratitude

When I was little my older brothers teased me mercilessly and were excessively cruel as children can be when in cahoots.  It was like, if they were separate and alone, each one was okay but when together it seemed they sprouted devil horns and egged each other on.  I begged, cried, pleaded, and fought back with words or physically defended myself but to no avail.  The feelings of hopelessness, dejection, rejection and  failure welled up in me.  And there was nothing I could do about it.  If I told my mom she would take their side or once in a while when she felt like it, she'd get onto them but behind her back they'd threatened to get me back later...and they followed through.  One of the things I heard from Ray and Rudy was how stupid I was because they knew the alphabet and knew how to read and write and I didn't.  I was still at home and not even in kindergarten yet.  I remember begging my mom to please teach me the alphabet and so sometimes, even though she was busy cleaning house or with the palote (rolling pin) making a huge pile of tortillas, she'd tear a piece of paper from a brown grocery bag and with a cast-down nub of a pencil without an eraser, she'd show me the sticks used to draw "A", etc.  I thank her for that.  Even though she's long dead now, I still hold the memory dear and close to my heart of her trying to teach me so my brothers would stop using my ignorance as a weapon against me.

Intelligence, or how "smart" we were was greatly prized and so I set out to prove how smart I was to my brothers but again to no avail because what I didn't know was due to lack of experience.  They were older than me and had the experiences of reading, going to school, having opportunities for growth I didn't have.  No matter how hard I tried...I failed.  I grieved this and internalized this as a clear sign that I really was stupid, stupider than-----every body else.  So I hid this by trying to act like I was smarter.  So I hid behind "intelligence".  Like the Big Book of "Alcoholics Anonymous", page 12, "...the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years".

The god of intellect was a very cold, lifeless substitute and I know where my best thinking took me...to the rooms of the 12 STEPs where I found the greatest treasure of all my life.  I found my way back to my Higher Power that I choose to call GOD.  And I learned that my intelligence is compatible with GOD as long as I put GOD first.  Bill W. wrote about this on page 30, "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions".

I automatically put GOD first when I remember to make a gratitude list.  One idea I learned was to use the alphabet as a tool to list gratitude, page 60, "As We Understood".  You see, it's not I'm so smart anymore or depending on me for all the answers to life's problems and perplexities...it's that I'm learning to keep an open mind, a honest heart, and a willingness to read the literature, go to meetings, pray, help others help me, etc.  It's all good.

Dear Sweet Higher Power, thank YOU for all YOU Are-Be-Do.  I love YOU and thank YOU for loving me.  YOU are the Center of All and the Source.  Please continue to help me stay on this pathway of the Sunlight of the Spirit.  Love, Carol xoxox

The One-Way Track to Hell

Well, last night I received a call from an Alanon friend who was highly agitated...

"...while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless..." page xxvi, "Alcoholics Anonymous", Chapter "The Doctor's Opinion".

While the alcoholic drinks to drown out what he (or she) thinks and feels...the untreated Alanon *thinks* and   *feels* while relying on their own thoughtlife for the solutions to all their problems, and the alcoholic's problems, and the world's problems, and GOD's problems, etc. This is certainly what I did.  

Now, therein lies the fundamental problem of my illness because I got a tricky mind.  It can take me down so many rabbit holes, throw so many spins, ride every thought like trains out of Grand Central Station, uninhibitedly catapult into intergalactic flights of "what if" or "if only" or "poor me", etc.  A terribly undisciplined thoughtlife and in turn, so are my emotions because they are attached with my thoughts.

For example, the old exercise of  picture a lemon.  Imagine peeling it, smelling it.  Even as I type this my mouth waters, a slight clenching in my jaw takes place.  I can almost taste the tartness.  Just by thinking about this lemon, I experience it as if it's really happening.

My thoughtlife is powerful and greatly affects my emotions which in turn affects my behaviors, etc.  Like a train with boxcars attached to it...there I go.  The thing is my tricky mind is in the conductor's seat.  That's what I know how to do but I keep taking me a-round and a-round and a-round and a-round, picking up speed here and there or slowing down but still a-round and a-round, etc.  Going nowhere fast.  After so many years, I become AWARE enough to ACCEPT I might have to take some ACTION to stop the insanity of repeating the same old things and expecting different results.  A lot of the times I Don't Even Notice I Am Lying (D.E.N.I.A.L.) to myself and everybody else.  I lie so much and for so long that I believe my own lies which are the songs of the siren to the Bondage of Self.

Until one day, for a brief time, the mental fog lifts off the one-way track to Hell I'm on and I get a moment of clarity.  I still can't get off the track on my own power.  I got the switch in my hand but I lack the Power to make it work.  I am at the turning point...

Every day I have the opportunity to make a choice...do I stay on the track of what I know or do I ask that which is greater than you and me (I choose to call that power "GOD") to take over, guide me, lead and use me, just for today..to be of service and get off the E.G.O. (Edging GOD Out) trip of Self?

Dear Creator of All that Was-Is-Will Be-and Might Be, thank YOU for loving me and for the gift of life YOU bestow upon me and those of us still here.  Thank YOU for the rain of multiple blessings YOU shower on us all, the so-called "good" and the so-called "bad".  YOU are The One, The Greatest, The Source, The All.  How wondrous the Works of YOU're Hands.  Thank YOU again and again.  Please help me please YOU, Lord.  Show me the way to stay on the track to living life Happy, Joyous and Free.  Sincerely, Carol xoxoxo

I wrote that a volunteer named Sandra told me about Dr. Hew Len and how he does his cleanings.  Yesterday she told me about EFT at emofree.com.  Now, one thing the 12 Steps program teaches me is to have an open mind.  "There are many paths leading to the same place."  The thing is, my learned response is to keep my blinders on, resist anything new, resist change, stick with what I know, don't risk.  But here is Sandra giving so freely of what helps her so I keep an open mind.  I'm willing to try it, add to my tools of recovery.  If it works, great.  If not, no big deal because I do have the Steps, no matter what, they work every I work them.

The truth is that the 12 Steps are the basic structure of my life today, this day.   I am f-a-r from the "perfect" 12 Stepper.  The thing is no matter how imperfectly I work this program and no matter how many shortcomings I have still to turn over, I keep coming back.  One day at a time.  What  I love about this program is the incredible stretch it has, the inclusiveness, instead of exclusion.  Wow.  I just might have a chance in this day to be of service, to bridge the gap, to be free...just for today trust in my Higher Power to take care of and to guide me to be of service to GOD and to GOD's children.

Dear Kingdom Within Heavenly Creator, thank YOU for one more day to be of service to YOU. Thank YOU for the gift of Life and for the opportunity to be available to YOU.  Please help me on this path.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Imagine Basket

Well, this morning I read in "Courage To Change" about how a person was immersed in a tough problem with no solution and asked for help from the Higher Power.  Then this person remembered a meeting where a basket full of slogans written on slips of paper was passed around at a meeting for each person to pick one.  So...imagined a basket full of slogans, imagined reaching in and picking a slogan...then applied it and it worked.

I like the idea of imagining a basket and reaching in...I'm willing to try this idea out to see if it works.

I read in "Day By Day", "We must never forget where we came from and in what condition we arrived here...if we do forget, our willingness to "go to any lengths" fades away."

Which brings to mind that desperation, the depth of pain, suffering and pitiful hopelessness of hitting bottom.  That H-U-R-T.  That phenomena of "My back was against the wall and the wall was on fire.".  Where pain propels my program...do what works, whatever it takes to stop the insanity...in my mind, heart, soul and life.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator of All That Was-Is-Will Be-Might Have Been-And-Might-Be, I love YOU and thank YOU for loving me.  YOU are The Greatest, The Best, The Source, The One.  Truly how great THOU art!  Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow on us all, loved and not-so-loved ones.  Please help me to remember to stay honest, open-minded and willing to do YOUR will in all my affairs, just for today...one day, one minute at a time.  All glory to YOU...for YOU truly can transform a mess such as me into a message as long as I stay out of the way and submit to YOU.  Wow.  YOU're awesome.  Love, Carol xoxox

To Fully Embrace Love is to Fully Embrace Life

I enjoy blogging and returning later on to re-read the blogs because it's just what I needed to remember.  I feel happy and grateful to know there are others separate from me who benefit. If this blog helps anybody else in any small way...that's more than enough.  Glad to be of service.

Yesterday I read a lovely quote in Alanon's meditation "Hope for Today" book:

     "I used to believe thinking was the highest function of human beings...I now realize loving is our supreme function.  The heart precedes the mind." from Lois Remembers, page 196

Lois touches my core issues with this quote.  My biggest struggles in life have been grounded in   my "thinking".  I learned to "live" in my head early on as a child.  I could think whatever I wanted and as long as I didn't let anybody know what I really thought or felt...I was safe.  I only spoke up when it was imperative, more dangerous not to speak up than to speak, etc.  I learned to rely on whatever I thought was in my best interest without letting on because if people knew (like my brothers, Ray and Rudy) I might be sabotaged  denied, punished, deprived just because I wanted it.  A form of punishment so I "learned a lesson".

You know, it seems to me, one of the greatest socially accepted forms of pscyhe abuse is "teaching a lesson" to another person.  After all, there's so much for me to learn, so much further to go.  Who am I to go around punishing people by "teaching them a lesson"?  When I punish someone by "teaching" them a lesson I am in GOD's business as if I know better and can do a better job than GOD.  W-a-y off course.  In the abyss.

A big challenge for me has been to learn to stay out of the "Changes Other People Need To Make" business and instead get busy working the Steps on the many changes I need to make!

Dear Sweet GOD Almighty, thank YOU for the multiple opportunities You provide for me to learn, grow, and stretch in the Sunlight of the Spirit.  Thank YOU for loving me, creating me, and giving me this incredible gift called "Life", one minute at a time, one day at a time.  I love You and thank You for loving me.  Sincerely, Carl xoxox

If you want to feel good...do good.

I like that saying.  It is in alignment with the 4 Agreements.  The "always do your best" one.  Sometimes the best I can do is take a breath.  Jeesh.

Hunter is still making it...yeah!  I still feel angry, hurt and sad whenever I think about the car wreck in July and how the driver STILL to this day denies responsibility  Wow...one day at a time.

Anyway, I am transporting my grandson and granddaughter to school for a while.  I put this in my Higher Power's hands.

Dear Higher Power, thank You for Your gracious gifts that You give so abundantly.  You are definitely the joy, joy, joy down in my heart!  Love, Carol xoxox.

Pain Propels my Program

It's certainly true for me that if I hurt enough I will get off my butt and do the work.  What is the work?  Working the Steps.  How do I work the Steps?  How I work a spiritual program?  Since it's in the "spirit", the "kingdom within", how do I "see" what the heck I'm doing or know if I'm doing it right or wrong?  How do I know it really works or is it some kind of brainwashing, hocus-pocus, wishful thinking cop-out?  Why don't I just grab a-hold of my problems and take care of it all in one fell swoop...my way or the highway?

Because my way doesn't work.  After countless efforts to be The Solution to mine and everybody else's problems and countless failures in trying to do so...I give up.  I surrender.  I get it.  I'm not the Solution...I'm the Problem as long as I think I'm The Solution.  Hilarious.  My best thinking has taken me to some real devastating places.   I've learned I cannot depend on the god of Intellect because it's limited to what I know and since I don't know everything or every possibility, etc. I really don't know, round and round I go.  Like a spinning top...where it stops no body knows.

What does work for me is learning a new way to live Life on  Life's terms...There is A Way Out...the Steps lead the way out.  I just gotta take the Steps.  Kind of like Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz" had to follow the Yellowbrick Road.  LOL

Dear Higher Power, thank You for the multiple blessings You bestow on us all.  Thank You for the Earth, the sky, the day, the night.  Thank you for the shadow that helps us see the light so we know to draw closer to You.  Thank You for the privilege of Life and may we bring glory to You.  I love You and I thank You for loving me.  You are my Life Partner forever and ever.  Amen.  Love, Carol xoxox

The GOD Line

Well, I am now back online...yeah!

You know, blogging is interesting...in its own way I can see where my ego was trying to build itself whenever the number of visitors increased and it deflated accordingly whenever the visits decreased.  Jeesh.  The honor, privilege, opportunity, etc. to share the journey and process of recuperation from a deadly spiritual disease with physical manifestations in the natural was starting to become second to how many visits the blog had.  The joy of service was diminishing its glow while the shadows cast by my ego started to loom large...maybe, just maybe, the keyboard and computer problems were a way to see where I was heading.

I've increased reading literature mainly in AA and Alanon on a daily basis, setting pen to paper in journaling, and praying to the Higher Power throughout the day.  I go to meetings on Saturdays and listen to online meetings every day, even while driving my car.   I've come a long way and I have a long way to go...one step at a time.

Today my goal is to pay attention to avoid crossing the GOD line, keep the focus on me so I Mind My Own Business, stop using other people's lives as an excuse to neglect my own, to be of service by asking GOD for guidance and support, and to stay humble by remembering---WHO'S LARGE AND IN CHARGE?

Dear GOD, thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow.  How lovely to listen to an owl gently hooting on this cold, still morning and also hear an occasional chirping bird singing its song.  YOU are The Most Highest.  All glory to YOU.  Thank YOU for the gift of Life.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox