The Storm of Feelings

Well, yesterday I didn't blog because I was distracted then forgot all about it.  I did however, do my readings, journaling, prayer and meditation.

Beginning around January 1st, I started reading about 9 books in the morning, averaging 5 minutes each.  In this order, usually:

DAY BY DAY, DAILY REFLECTIONS, ONE DAY AT A TIME IN ALANON, HOPE FOR TODAY, COURAGE TO CHANGE, AS WE UNDERSTOOD, ALANON 12 & 12, IN ALL OUR AFFAIRS, PATHS TO RECOVERY

I decided to saturate my mind with literature (information processed by trusted committees in the fellowships), go to meetings, listen to on-line meetings, depend on my Higher Power, pick up the phone, etc.  Just pump up my program, withholding n-o-t-h-i-n-g.  Action, action, action.

This morning the things that caught my attention were...

Yesterday I listened to a Gamblers Anonymous online speaker meeting.  Tom S Minnesota  Wow.  Can you believe it???  Tom spoke about the spinning plates I'd mentioned on Weds blog!!!  What a coincidence!

Another is when I read about a storm of feelings.  What a description.  Feelings can show up like...a wave of sadness, an uplifting of the spirit awash with love, a thunderstorm of anger, a tornado of fearsome proportions of grief, remorse, guilt, fear or fury.  Powerful or subtle.  A cool breeze or frozen concoction.

And another is a reading about the taboo of incest and the resulting sadness, depression, invalidation from the child's mother, the role of "different" the child grew up playing even as an adult.  I can relate.  Today I remembered when Ray and Rudy would take turns twisting my fingers back, back,  back until I was on my knees.  They demanded I say "mercy" and I hated them.  The fury I felt.  The outrage as tears cascaded down my face and sweat as I fought back...to no avail.  They won every time.  Then stuck their member in my throat, taking a turn.  And there were times when my little brother was their focus and, I sob as I type this, I begged them no, no.   I volunteered, please leave him alone.  Sometimes they did, then other times, no.  The truth is I hated to be at their mercy, I hated my little brother being subjected to them, and at times, I was relieved when it wasn't me.  The shame I felt for not being able to "save" us.  Then later on when I did ultimately call Child Welfare and we were removed, we'd been through so much.  The guilt and shame for not calling sooner.  Then the YEARS of secret guilt and shame for taking us away from our family, extended family and city we were born and raised.  I didn't dare admit I was the one who'd made the call for help.

Now, as a 58 year old woman, I look back and see me as a little girl frightened, overwhelmed and incredibly courageous who fought back in the only way I knew how.  Wow.  Amazing.  Even more amazing, I look back and I see where my Higher Power was carrying me so many times...and I knew something bigger than me was involved but I didn't know what.  Like the Footprints in the Sand.  Kewl.

Dear Higher Power, thank YOU again for helping me so much.  Without YOU it's just BARELY an existence and WITH YOU I experience life as glorious, magnificent, awesome, powerful, amazing.  Thank YOU for this moment, every moment.  One day at a time.  Please guide me, show me the way to do YOUR Will everyday in every way and the strength, courage, wisdom and willingness to Accept and Do It!   Love, Carol xoxox