The reading in English Alanon was from the blue book titled "How Alanon Works". "Keep Coming Back" was the section. It was an awesome meeting, intensely forgiving, inclusionary.
Afterwards I hurried across to another room where a Spanish male AA member (I'll call him "Fisherman" from now on) who is helping to start Nueva Vision, waited for me and he had a new sponsee in tow. How truly humbling. We listened to Salvador then opened the meeting. Sweet. I put this in GOD's hands. Just when I started to doubt, hem and haw, almost just about to give up, almost convince myself I'm delusional, what's the point in trying to keep the Nueva Vision meeting going, no body cares...then Fisherman shows up, makes a commitment. Wow. It was intense. Also, I was asked last week to chair the AA meeting this week and I answered, "Yes", the way I've been taught to do. So I did. After the opening, I randomly opened the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous" and read the first two paragraphs of Chapter 7, Working with Others. I mentioned how I struggled, struggle along the way. When an old-time male AA friend spoke, he talked about the "trudge". Anyway, after the meeting he and I were sitting at the table in the half-measure room. He was reading the newspaper. He appeared to tense, ever so slightly, as I reached for a section of it lying on the table but I asked him first which pile he had already read because there were two piles, one on his right and one on his left. He relaxed and said he'd already read the right pile. He smiled and we were on the same page of understanding. LOL Then he asked me what's going on that I'm so hard on myself?
We reminisced about the time, quite a few years back, when I'd chaired a meeting and afterward he'd approached me. He told me he heard I'd been talking bad about a friend of his and he wished I'd quit. Now, back then, I used to have a big problem with character assassination in that I talked bad about other people, behind their back, never to their face. I was quite accomplished in saying this and that about them as if it was true but they weren't even there to defend themselves or express their own point of view. I killed them off by word of mouth. A part of my amends process has been to stop talking negatively about people from behind or in front. Love and tolerance is our code, in deed. So I felt anguished when he confronted me. "Oh, my gosh! Who have I been talking bad about?", I asked. He answered, "You."
So here we were again. He asked me what's going on I'm "struggling"? I told him that was my new Alanon sponsor I'd met with last week. He asked me what part had I skipped or skimped on in my Steps that I even felt the need to get a sponsor from people who "control"? I've been asking myself the same. Obviously, I need to take a new inventory. Obviously, I'm not "done" yet. Obviously...this is a life-long process.
We also talked about Kerrville and how I love music, can write it. How Marty told me a l-o-n-g time ago to keep writing. Did I listen? N-n-n-o-o-o.
Today I hope to plant the seeds for my garden. Wow.
Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator of All, I love YOU and I thank YOU for loving me. O Lord, YOU are The Greatest, The Highest, The Source, The One. How wondrous are YOUR Works. Thank YOU for the privilege of Life, the honor to be here and the opportunity to be of service to YOU and YOUR beloved children. Please help me be victorious over all the chains that bind me, Lord, and may others see the glorious, powerful Healer and Protector YOU are, that YOU love us all, no matter what...YOU love us all unconditionally. LORD, please help me remember there's nothing, not enough human will power or works that can earn me YOUR grace. I merely need to receive it because its freely given, in great abundance, always available. Thank YOU again and again. Love, Carol xoxox
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