Wonky Feelings and Thoughts

I awaken to how sad I feel then I notice the reason my feelings are so wonky is because of my wonky thinking which seems so natural, acceptable but it really isn't.

Here's what I wrote verbatim in my journal this morning, after salutations to my Higher Power which I choose to call "GOD".

Well, Lord, the car dealership never called me yesterday to give notice if the car loan went through or not.  So I guess it didn't.  I feel sooo sad.  The thoughts that attack are:

• I'm stupid---look how other people have "good" credit and can get what they want when they want it, but not me.
• I'm worthless---look how other people are worthy of the fruits of their labor, but not me.
• I'll never get better or do better, I'm a lost cause, always have been.  I was born that way.  That's what I know and no matter what, will never be able to change, not me, everybody else can---but not me.
• I'm a loser.  That's my destiny because I'm genetically programmed to be a loser.  I come from a long list of "losers".  I can't beat or change that fact.  Other people can, but not me.
• I'm a failure.  Why try?  I'll never amount to anything.  If I haven't by now, at this age, I'll never amount to anything.  Other people can, but not me.
• I'm a victim of life's circumstances.  If that guy hadn't wrecked into Hunter last year I don't believe I'd be in this situation right now.  There's nothing I can do about him, the wreck or anything else.  I can't change the facts.  He did what he did, lied about it, so I have to struggle along, hire attorneys, take him to court, prove my case and in the meantime pick up the pieces and get by the best I can until it's resolved.
• Self-centered.  Wow.
• Self-pity---the morass.
• Resentments.

The illness looms large.  Like a tailspin or a skid.  Jeesh.

The beauty of the readings this morning touched me deeply, profoundly.

• In All Our Affairs, p. 67, "when the alcoholic behavior resurfaces, I feel my old fear of losing my mind return.  That's when I know I have to double-up on whatever I'm doing in the program---and fast."
• Alanons 12 & 12, p.68, "But the pendulum swung so far in the other direction that not only was I unreasonable, many times I was cutting off my nose to spite my face."
• As We Understood, p.112, "For the first time in my life, I do not worry.  I know GOD is with me always.  I feel *GOD's* (*in text it says "His") Presence every minute of the day.  I know that whatever happens in my life, I will be okay."
• Courage To Change, p.98, "I give thanks for the ways my Higher Power finds to cut my pretensions down to size.  When I can laugh a little, I feel less afraid."
• Hope For Today, p.98, "Worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives me something to do, but gets me nowhere."
• Day By Day, April 7, "We must pray, meditate, listen and believe.  Have I turned it over?"

Dear Heavenly Almighty GOD of All Creation, thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU shower on us all.  YOU are The ONE, The Source, The Undisputed Champion of the Universes.  I turn my life and will over to YOUR care, love, support, compassion, power and vision.  May I do YOUR Will and be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.  Love, Carol xoxox
P.S.  Thank YOU for the literature.  It really helps me to change perspective, the directions of thoughts.  Thank YOU again and again.