Neglect vs. Self-esteem

Well, another part of the assignment this week from my Alanon sponsor is to look up the word "self-esteem" in the dictionary.

World English Dictionary

self-esteem
— n
1.	respect for or a favorable opinion of oneself
2.	an unduly high opinion of oneself; vanity

When I was 11 years old and called Child Welfare, they removed us from a serious, dangerous situation.  At that time, we were legally and technically labeled as "dependent and neglected".  I felt horribly guilty for having to make that call.  Like it was all my fault.  Like I did something wrong.  Like I was a mean, ugly, terrible child.  A traitor.  Disloyal.  Vengeful.  Arrogant.  Ruthless to take children away from their family and natural habitat, their city, their roots.

I internalized the anger, the hurt, and the pain of being "dependent and neglected".  I internalized the learned doubt of worth.  That I must be unworthy in some way to have deserved being unkempt, neglected, and abandoned by parents, extended family members, our neighborhood, our city.  I thought like a child who whole-heartedly took the blame, the responsibility.

Now I realize somewhere deep inside me must be an incredible kernel of truth, an integrity at the core of my being that knows, celebrates, sings and dances I am a child of the Creator and I deserve to be treated with respect, dignity and worth.  This is the me who rose up in the moment of truth, picking up the phone to call for help. I remember the fear, the terror, the despair, the anguish...hands trembling...and the determination to stop the mistreatment.  Incredible courage, perseverance and self-esteem.

I was taught to believe I wasn't good enough when I've known all along who I truly am is enough.  A child of GOD.  Loved, valued, adored.  Gifted with the breath of Life, to participate in this amazing dance of creation so exquisitely beautiful, so fleeting.

Dear Sweet That Which Is Greater than I, thank YOU for this precious moment in time and space.  Thank YOU for ears that hear the singing birds in their morning excitement.  Thank YOU for my loved and not-so-loved ones.  Thank YOU for the 12 Steps and 2 Traditions which help strengthen the bond between us all.  May I do YOUR Will, all to YOUR glory.  Love, Carol xoxox