"As We Understood", p.187, "...I became aware of a presence behind me as I was doing the dishes. I saw nothing, but my mind was gripped in a way that seemed like somebody tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Pay attention." And I was surrounded, enclosed, lapped in the most glorious sensation of being loved, comforted, warmed, held securely. It is impossible to describe it." It's amazing to read this stuff! How many of us have had similar experiences but never really talk about it? Wow.
This reminds me of the time Marty (one of my dearest friends) and I were talking. He's a musician and he had a small guitar tuner box that glowed green whenever a string was tuned to a specific musical note. He kept looking behind me then finally he said that every time I spoke, the box lit-up. Apparently I speak in the key of "g". How cool is that?
The differences in these memories is validation. There is no one who can certify, one way or the other, that the experience of waking up and feeling cradled in GOD's arms happened or that it is real except for me. The other experience of speaking in the key of "g", well, Marty was there.
At times, I remember feeling so invalidated that I wouldn't speak up, check on things, act in any way to validate myself. If someone else said differently, I was "wrong", no questions asked. Then the pendulum swung far to the other side, I had to be "right" no matter what. I took no prisoners. I stamped "valid" on all my points of view without taking others into consideration, oblivious to them. Jeesh.
It's been a process in growing up, taking responsibility in ways I never imagined. Where blaming others, fault-finding, finger-pointing and denying any responsibility was a way of life and locked in the rigid, self-centered, ruthless, inconsiderate, insensitivity to others or "Self prison". Intolerant, critical, judgmental thinking...changing to an attitude of "love and tolerance is our code." Jeesh.
"Gratitude is an attitude". Kewl.
Well, I reached p.138 in Alanon's 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. It's the last page except for the epilogue. What stood out..."There I was, full of fears and insecurities; yet, at the same time, I was such a snob. I sat in meetings in judgment of others. I decided that certain members who made a good appearance and seemed intelligent had something to offer...Completely defeated by alcoholism, I gave the alcoholic such control over my life that I had no other Higher Power...How shattered I was when I learned that some of my idols had feet of clay, and how unfair it was for me to put them up on a pedestal. I had to learn the only one who deserved that kind of blind trust of faith was my Higher Power..."Who am I to judge how another person works the program?"..."Don't discount the message just because you don't like the messenger."Dear Lord GOD Almighty, YOU are amazingly amazing. LOL Thank YOU for the magnificence of YOUR Love, Power and Grace. I appreciate all YOU do, be, are for us. YOU are The ONE, The Source, The Creator. Thank YOU for the abundance of blessings YOU gift us everyday, all day and night. Truly the miracle of YOUR Love makes everything wonderful and worthwhile. Please help guide and support me, Lord, in the direction YOU want me to go this day and every day to be of maximum service to do YOUR Will. As YOU Will. Love, Carol oxox
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