Yester-years

Well, yesterday was rough.  After morning readings, meditation, blogging I picked up the phone to talk to a woman I've seen here and there in the rooms of AA.  I reached out to connect with her because she seemed so sad and during the conversation she revealed she was recently divorced about a year ago.  From the person I still owe the biggest amends to in my whole life.  I had no idea.  What's revealed to me is I'm a silly old woman just like I was a silly young girl.  Jeesh.

Oh, my GOD, how quickly my mind goes into fantasy mode, imagining this and that.  Okay.  I just might be sillier than before.  This is, indeed, a character defect.  A major character flaw.

GOD, are YOU kidding me?  I'm not ready.  I'm still inventorying the first 7 years of my life.  This individual is in the 3rd 7 years time slot.  Why can't this unfold in a controlled, orderly manner instead of like a body slam from the past????

And talk about "maudlin guilt" and "maudlin self-pity"...what a mix.  My illness doesn't let up.

Well, the best plan at the moment is to stick to the plan...keep working the Steps, finish that darn inventory, etc.  And make N-O moves without consulting my sponsor before-hand.  Please, Lord, save me from my impetuous foolishness.

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator that holds the moons and stars and Universes, thank YOU for the exquisite beauty blossomed in this moment of Life.  Thank YOU for YOUR Love, Power, Support, Wisdom and Grace YOU bestow on us all.  Lord, keep me willing to do the next right thing, to look out for my brothers and and sisters in the Spirit and to be of maximum service to YOUR Glory.  Only YOU can turn a person like me, a mess...into a message.  Lord, my tears flow for what was never to be but my heart longed for.  Only YOU know the sincerity, the loss, the true depth of the pain and despair of a lost love.  I turn this all over into YOUR Mighty, Forgiving, Healing Hands.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox