As I watched with fascination the mannerisms of seduction, subtle, sublime messages to the jury as she wielded her feminine wiles. Quite masterfully, I must say. As any woman well-versed in the art of "working it". I could relate. The downcast eyes then piercing direct eye contact, one by one, no one spared. Her female attorney, stood beside her and did the same thing, playing on sentiments. Male or female, top dog or the lowest...casting out hooks. Yep. Quite riveting to watch. I watched her lie about the anal encounter with Travis, how it went down was the lie, not whether it happened or not. The lie is also about blaming it on Travis. Very easy to see how she "works it" by watching how the court reporter reacted while she "worked it". Master Bullshitter, indeed. And she's just being herself. So says her family as they whispered and giggled in the courtroom while watching her, encouraging her, in their own way, to keep on keeping on. Then they get to say, "Oh, I don't know why she's like that, we're such saints, the rest of us...poor us, can you see how we've suffered with and because of her for so long?" Hilarious, in a painful way. Not to judge them or anyone, just to notice.
Part of my recovery has been to learn to be honest and to stop manipulating. That is easy to say and hard as heck to do for someone who learned from such an early age to do any thing but that! And to stop using people with such impunity. Well, to be frank, stop using them to wipe my butt with. The incredible lack of respect, dignity of worth, is appalling. I disconnected from the honor and privilege of just getting the opportunity to meet each person on this life journey much less treating them well. Recovery has re-taught me how to live life.
You know, it is a family disease. If one falls ill with the spiritual illness, it affects e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y, family members and friends for generations to come. Unless they seek recovery. Well, this is certainly what happened to me. But for the grace of GOD...
Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the privilege to live life this moment. Thank YOU for every breath and blessing YOU bestow on us all. Lord, may Travis's life and death be a reminder for me to get down on my knees to ask YOU for help in all matters in my life so that I stay out of the roles of playing like I'm God-jury, judge and executioner in one. Instead I can work the Steps and lean on YOU for guidance, strength, courage and wisdom. All to YOUR glory. Love, Carol xoxox
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