The Ick

Whoa!  I didn't do my readings nor blog yesterday although I woke up at 4:30am.  I worked on editing a speaker tape then burned it to CD for the Spanish Al-Anon meeting.  This was a very time intensive endeavor but it did get done.  Yeah!  I did, however, pray and meditate then send a text stating one of my positive characteristics to my Al-Anon sponsor

Well, while getting ready to go to the meetings yesterday, as I brushed my teeth, I started thinking (which can definitely be a b*a*d thing at times!  LOL) I could probably drink and be okay.  It's been how many years?  And besides, as I'm aging, who cares?  And other thoughts like this.  This is the voice of my disease.  Cunning, powerful, and baffling.  So, when I went to the noon AA meeting, I shared about this happening.  I've been told it's important to talk about this, out-loud, to others in the program of recovery.   One of my dear friends said read page 101 in the so-called "big book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, I turned to it immediately.

"We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!"

She also said, "If you take away the alcohol away from an alcoholic, what you have left is the "ic".  Ick.  Jeesh.

So, this morning, I read both June 29th and the 30th:

Day by Day:  June 29"...learn to live day by day...learn to not take that first fix, pill or drink TODAY...much too hard for us to bear thinking  of abstaining for years or a lifetime...Honesty, resentment, sex, tragedy, love, all have to be dealt with on a daily basis.  GOD expects no more of us than to do the things we are able TODAY."

June 30, "...It is a state of mind.  If we are just dry and have not received the spiritual gifts, we will still have unreasonable cravings...a whole new way of life---not just abstinence.  We try to become better people and in the process no longer need to take that first fix, pill, or drink...learn how to live, and no longer crave the very things that were destroying me."

Daily Reflections, p.189, "...learned that concentrating on my own recovery was a full-time process...rippling effect...my primary purpose of staying sober and helping other alcoholics to achieve sobriety."

Dear Lord, As YOU Will.  Love, Carol

Be Good to Myself

In my family, I've talked about this before, if you ask us, we have two stories...one is the truth and the other is the cleaned-up version with a little truth sprinkled in it to make it pleasing, palatable.   Kind of like The Landmark Forum teaching to recognize:  Gotta Look Good, Avoid Looking Bad...at all costs.  At the expense of The True Self, a huge cost.

After doing this for years and in efforts to quit doing the double-story behavior, the 12 Steps help stop, stay stopped, recover and heal...so the
True Self can emerge, blossom, flourish in the Sunlight of the Spirit.

Day by Day, "Lord, help me use the qualities I have for YOUR purposes lest I should lose them from misuse."  Refers to what good is happiness becoming complacency, reason becoming dull from lack of use, virtue vanishing from lack of love, justice becoming lost if we moralize and judge, sobriety and cleanness if we don't carry the message and stay straight?  (Paraphrased)

Daily Reflections, p.188, "If I had had to hang on to nothing but hope and a desire to drink, experiencing rejection wherever I went, I would have sought the easier, softer way and returned to my previous way of life."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.180, "Be good to yourself"...the joyous experience of letting go of a problem---the lovely adventure of shrugging off "hurts"....If I'm always ready to take offense and be hurt, I'm selling my contentment very cheaply.  I must remember to be good to myself!"

Courage to Change, p.180, "my behavior is a reflection of me, and I owe it to myself to pay attention to what it has to tell me.  I have to take care of myself...My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's choices, even when it's someone I dearly love...the time to put energy into my own recovery is right now."  A quote from ...In All Our Affairs, "...focus my attention on what I could do about my situation, instead of concentrating all my attention on what I thought the alcoholic should do.  I was the one who had to take a stand."

Hope for Today, p.180, "It felt strange...a place not governed by cruel dictators who gave harsh commands...."Keep it simple" and "Easy Does It"...like entering a new and different world where I was taught to love myself and to treat myself with dignity and respect...learned by watching...treat themselves---and me---with love, dignity, and respect...I can work my program at the speed and to the degree that suits my needs at any given time...Bullying myself into recovery won't work.  Loving myself into it will,"  A quote from How Al-Anon Works, p.68, "...While 'hard' doesn't do it, 'easy' often does."  (NOTE:  In AA I've heard we're to take it easy on others and hard on ourselves while in Al-Anon we're encouraged to take it easy on ourselves and others, stop beating ourselves up or others.)

As We Understood..., p.236, "In the past, the goodness of life was dimly perceived, but now I see its goodness clearly and life itself has been restored to me with great vitality and beauty."

Dear Sweet Lord GO Almighty Creator Great Spirit in All Creation, Your Magnificence astounds and saturates all YOUR works, how glorious YOU are.  YOU are The One, The Source, The Greatest, Most High.  Thank YOU for the Precious gift of Life, Love, Health and Happiness.  May we enjoy the bounty of the blessings YOU shower on us all.  Please help me, Lord, this day to be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit.  Please give me knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom and the Willingness to ACCEPT and DO It.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

When in Doubt...

When I learned to play chess many years ago (which, by the way, I never was really any good at it because I have the attention span of a two-year old.  Also, it's important to want to beat, compete, win at that game.  My boss insists I'm ADD.  Probably right.)  Anyway, I remember being told, "When in doubt, move a pawn."

In the 12 Steps I've learned, "When in doubt...pause."

Last night at the shelter, the tension, anxiety, was very high.  It seemed like waves of negativity permeated the atmosphere.  I started feeling angry, frustrated, a bit overwhelmed.  Finally, I pushed away from the desk,  placed both feet on the ground instead of crossing one over the other, and rested my hands on the armrests.  I r-e-l-a-x-e-d.  Closed my eyes.  And started talking to my Higher Power. In a quiet voice I said, "You know, I just don't know what to do.  I need YOU to help me.  Please show me the way, help me..." and I just sat there, quiet, until the feelings subsided.  Went back to work.   About 5 minutes later, a co-worker called and informed me about things I needed to know.  She is also a minister of faith and I experienced her as if a breath of fresh air blew through...lovely.

"The spiritual life is not a theory.", indeed.

Of course, I went to Anonpress.org and searched the Big Book for the word "doubt".  My favorite again is "...test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others." 

"The spiritual life is not a theory.", indeed.

"...either God is everything or else He is nothing."

"The spiritual life is not a theory.", indeed.

Dear GOD Almighty Creator, YOU are.  Thank YOU for the gifts YOU bestow on us to live Life, love Love and enjoy Happiness.  YOU the One!  Love, Carol xoxox

Our Greatest Joy

Well, I rushed from work last night and made it to the first meeting of Al-Anon Women and Relationships.  I recognized many of the faces and felt at home.  I happened to get the last available chair.  It was a lounger and located close to the air conditioning system.  I felt sooo comfortable and combined with the low, soothing, humming drone of the AC, I almost fell asleep! LOL

24 to 26 women.  How lovely to see their faces and listen to their melodic voices as we went around the circle introducing ourselves.  I felt envious, jealous that in the 1st meeting of this group it was so well attended.  Jeesh.  How long has it been to get the Spanish meeting going???  But, the silver lining is that Paula was there.  She is bilingual and has for YEARS struggled on the regional level to help encourage Spanish meetings.  She says the biggest barriers are the Hispanic Al-Anons seem to only want to know if there is a fiesta or an AA involved, otherwise, forget it.  Hmmm....

After the meeting I was invited to have dinner with one of the women so we met at the Mexican restaurant.  She is very smart, educated, and hurt.  Al-Anonism doesn't play.  It's lethal.  It kills the joy, freedom, play in our lives if we stay in the disease.  It can not only kill the life of our Life, it can also kill us if we let it.  As we dined and talked she kept thanking me for sharing my smiles, my happiness.  Can you imagine?  She, a child of GOD, an heiress and thanking me for smiles?  LOL  Silly woman.  I can relate.  I'm pretty silly myself.  LOL

Day by Day, "It is wise when we first come into the program to learn to keep our mouths shut and eyes and ears open."

Daily Reflections, p.186, "'It truly does 'get better' one day at a time...a gift that grows with time."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.178, "The spiritual awakening is we are not alone and helpless...learn certain truths which we now carry to others in order to help them...surrendered my will to GOD's will.  It will throw new light on many things....will give me the ability to make my judgments and decisions on the spiritual level...governed by GOD's goodness and wisdom."

"We are asleep; we walk in darkness until we find GOD's Hand to lead us into His way---the way of spiritual enlightenment."

Courage to Change, p.178, "Forgiveness can be just a change of attitude...realized my bitterness hurt me more than anyone else...search for another way to view my situation...pay attention to the message.  I chose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help...refuse to carry the burden of bitterness anymore.  Instead, I am grateful for what I learned."  A quote from Mary McLeod Bethune, "Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt."

Hope for Today, p.178, "'Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly. continually anticipating problems?'  ...still on edge...still waiting for the other shoe to drop...don't know how to handle happiness, so I start searching for difficulties to dwell on...obsession is annoying...accept I am powerless over my mind's negative energy...desire to be restored to sanity...ask my Higher Power to help me...When I've done all I can, I can 'Let Go and Let GOD'."  A quote from Courage to Change, p.15, "...Worrying will not protect me from the future.  It will just keep me from living here and now."

Came to Believe, p.230, "'...try not to see difficult days as filled with problems, but days to live and grow.  When I do, it's a lot easier for me to realize that this is life and I'm doing  lot of living.'...what keeps us coming back is the serenity we gain when we learn how to make our lives manageable....able to make plans, work toward goals, and live our lives purposely...were so caught up in our fears and negative emotions...no desire to return to the past with its pain, anger and frustration...We who have lived in anguish so long have discovered a way to live in serenity, one day at a time, and our greatest joy is to share this way of life with others."

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, YOUR abundant Love, Compassion and Wisdom are blessings YOU BESTOW ON US ALL.  Lord, thank YOU so much for YOUR gifts.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Willing to Accept Change and Responsibility

Stitch, my daughter's dog, spent the night.  He and Elvis took turns going outside.  He's taking some kind of medicine that makes him exceedingly thirsty.  He drinks a lot of water then he needs to go use the restroom...a-l-l n-i-g-h-t l-o-n-g.  He's adorable though and almost looks guilty for imposing.  LOL

My sponsor asked me to text a message every night about a good quality I have.  I'd "forgotten" all about it!  Jeesh.  So I texted her yesterday morning to explain then I again forgot to do it last night.  Maybe a good plan can be to set a reminder on my cellphone...

Tonight is the first time the new Alanon Women's Only meeting gets together so I hope to be there...

Day by Day, "Lord, may I learn to relate to my Higher Power rather than my analytical mind."

Daily Reflections, p.185, "The journey of life is a very happy one, as long as I am willing to accept change and responsibility."

One Day at Time in Al-anon, p.177, "I will not let this day pass---nor any day from now on---without making myself consciously aware of GOD."

As We Understood, p.228, "May the storms of life be gentle showers and the light of GOD's love shine upon your pathway."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the abundance of miracles YOU shower on us all everyday.  YOU're awesome.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Yo-yo

Well, Sho and I spent some time together yesterday.  We're back "in love."  That's hilarious when I stop to think about it.  Loving an alcoholic is like loving an emotional, mental yo-yo.  Like being willing to be back and forth, up and down, walking the dog and all those other tricks...cause it feels tricky.  It's rather unstable.  Jeesh.  Sometimes I'm just not willing to be the yo-yo and that's when I get honest, do the deal to stop the game playing.

I'm still digging around on this current 4th Step.  The vigorous, in-depth honesty is deep at this time.  I thought I was honest before...more will be revealed, indeed.  NOTE to Self:  Keep the boots on.  LOL  Actually, this time I'm sticking to the "facts" as I saw them.  No theatrics.  Kewl beanz.

Day by Day, "...we give up on the game playing because there are no more tricks left in the bag."

Daily Reflections, p.184, "...wanted to lose the obsession...but didn't know how to do it...decided to stick around long enough to find out from the ones who went before me...I was told to get a Higher Power and I had no idea what one looked like.  I found out there are many Higher Powers.  I was told to find God, as I understand Him, that there was no doctrine of the Godhead...I found what worked for me and then asked that Power to restore me to sanity.  The obsession...was removed and---one day at a time---my life went on, and I learned how to live..."  A quote from As Bill Sees It, p.95, "We are only operating a spiritual kindergarten in which people are enabled to get over drinking and find the grace to go on living to better effect."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.176, "...have been dealing with the past...searched the corners of our memory for grievances to be adjusted by means of our new view of our role in life...becomes a daily ritual, a housecleaning that takes place in a nightly review of the day's happenings...no backlog of guilt to worry about, we keep order as we go along...Although I cannot expect perfection, I can observe my progress and enjoy the deep satisfactions it can bring me...keeping myself receptive to solutions will guide me to them.  "Look to yourself---it is there that all your answers are found."

Courage to Change, p.176, story about a farmer found a magical flute, played it every day so hens would lay more eggs but this didn't happen..."when asked if he had any success, the farmer replied, "I sure did.  It wasn't much of a day for egg-laying, but it was a fine day for music!"...learn that success and failure are a matter of perspective...we achieve many successes every day...now have the opportunity to change long-held behavior and beliefs.  That is a great achievement."

Hope for Today, p.176, about the 5th Tradition, "...learned that I can set limits on what I am willing and able to contribute to others.  By taking care of myself and slowly building positive relationships...I exhibit the message of hope...Today I give whatever understanding (defined it as 'work to recognize the disease and its effects, thereby improving my perspective') and encouragement (defined as 'practice detachment by doing my best to allow the alcoholics (or other people) the dignity of making their own choices').  It is based on what I can provide, not on what they want."

As We Understood, p.227, "...I am on the road to recovery.  It's a never-ending road, but not a tiresome one, because around every curve is a new happiness."

Dear GOD Creator of it all...As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Anniversario

I met with my Al-Anon sponsor yesterday.  We read some excepts from Hope for Today re: the 4th Step.  I cried.  I told her how stricken and hurt to think I was "inconsequential" to the person I was convinced I hurt so bad, the maudlin guilt riding me for YEARS as I threw myself in punishment under the bus for hurting him, neglecting myself under the banner of "I'm no good". I short-changed me, myself and I...and most grievously---my precious babies, my own children.   What does Bill W. say maudlin self-pity is????  Martyrdom.  THAT IS THE ROLE I LEARNED TO PLAY.  How did I play it?  By beating myself up, wearing a hair-shirt, cat-o-nine, etc.  Like Jim Carey in that bathroom scene in the movie "Liar, Liar".  omg  The  classic Alanonism...mothering, manipulating, managing, martyrdom.  The name of the script is "Alcoholism:  a family disease."  This other individual has no idea...he's living out his own role, has his own challenges, as we all do.  The challenge is to wake-up and stay awake.  Awareness, Acceptance, Action.   I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it but I sure as heck can contribute to it!  LOL  I am so redundant.

Afterwards, I went home, took a nap, woke-up, turned on the computer then printed-out a flyer.

Also, I cut my hair.  The old way.  I combed it straight up, bunched together in the clutch of  hand, at the top of the head, then used a sharp pair of scissors to cut in a straight line across it.  Combing the hair down toward the face, I cut a diagonal line with the shape of my face.  It looks pretty good or rather, it looked good until this morning when I cut a little more off...jeesh.  Just leave well enough alone, Carol.  LOL

After showering, it was make-up time.  This was the second time in a month I've put some on.  Don't really know why I ever stopped.  It's kind of fun to put it on and to wear it.  Even with a round, fat, old, wrinkled face the makeup enhances, accents the feminine qualities.  It's okay to look nice, not so dowdy.  LOL  Silly me.

I also noticed while dressing how little I have to wear that's appropriate for going-out or even what we used to call "Sunday best".  Time to change that....this happened just to reach-out and be of service...to hand-out flyers.  Jeesh.

While walking out to the car,  Sho asked who I'd cut my hair, wore makeup and dressed for?  "For me," I answered, "I want to feel good about myself."  Earlier I'd invited him to go but he'd declined.  (I brought him back a piece a cake from the party).  

All this in preparation to go to the Spanish AA "Anniversario" or celebration at the club.  There was a 7 or 8 piece ensemble band playing and people were dancing.  Children ran in and out the club as they also played.  People having fun without drinking or drugging.  I handed out a flyer informing about the day, time, etc. of the Spanish Al-Anon meeting there on Saturday mornings.  I put this all in the Higher Power's Hands.

I encountered a woman who has struggled for years to stay clean and sober.  Her father, too, accessed her sexually when she was a young woman.  Her guilt is severe.  Anyway, for the first time I met her mom, daughter and granddaughter.  The invitation was extended to all these generations to attend the Al-Anon meeting if they'd like.  There's a new meeting starting up on Tuesdays for women and I informed them about this too.  How exciting to be the bearer of good news, of hope!  Thank YOU, Higher Power, for making this possible.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty, thank YOU for the privilege, opportunity and honor to be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters.  Lord, will YOU please show me the way YOU want me to go and help me along?  I need YOUR wisdom, courage, and strength to make it.  I just can't do it without YOU.  YOU are The One, The Power, the Source of the Universe.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Prison Door

Well, I'm back to those 2 dogs...who wins?  That's the choice I must make...

I came home from work last night, fed Elvis and then went to bed.   Not a word to or from Sho as he sat in front of the TV with his usual can of beer stuck to his hand.  The silence speaks so loudly.

He went to work this morning.  No kiss, no "GOD bless you", no hug, which is our usual parting and then he gives Elvis a milkbone as a ritual so even the dog is involved in our goodbyes.   I grieve this.  The silence is thundering.

I've talked to Sho before that it's been my experience when people pick fights with me, they're usually guilty of something and this is their way of pushing me away to justify what they did.  I learned this by observing my own behavior.  It's one of those things where I'm pointing a finger at you but how many of them are pointing at me?  LOL

One of the symptoms of the spiritual malady is reacting with isolation, a social withdrawal.  I can do this without leaving the room.  In a blink.  I can construct walls to my heart, to communicating, to learning, to engagement, interaction by simply closing the doors of my mind.  SLAM.  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to think it.  I don't want to feel it.  And I sure as hell don't want to do a damn thing about it.  Back in the prison...clang goes the door.  Nobody does this to me.  It's an inside job.  I l-e-a-r-n-e-d to do this...now I must learn a different way.  The prison door swings both ways...it opens and it closes.

I want freedom.  The freedom to be happy, joyous and free.  To enjoy the few moments I have here on Earth, in this lifetime that goes by so fleetingly in comparison to the lifetime of the Universe.  The freedom to enjoy you and me, to embrace the incredible possibilities...wow.  It's an inside job.  No one can do this for me.  No matter how much they love me or how smart, experienced, rich, strong, cute, old, young, etc.  Hitting bottom for me is realizing over and over that true freedom, the way out, is to stay aware, awake...to accept there truly is a Power Greater than us all...and to turn it all over, let go and let GOD...work the Steps, no matter what, do the deal.

Step 1...

Day by Day, "Most of us described ourselves as loners...divided the world into people who hated us and people who didn't like us very much...Others of us experienced the miserable feeling of being alone even though people liked us...We never have to be alone again.  Those walls we built around ourselves gradually come down as we stay sober....."

Daily Reflections, p.182, "I am learning to practice acceptance in all circumstances of my life, so that I may enjoy peace of mind."

One Dat at a Time in Al-Anon, p. 174, "The central thought is willingness---to admit our rrors so we can clear our inner consciousness of guilt...The 8th STEP PLACES US ON THE THRESHOLD OF FREEDOM from self-hate; it opens the door to new peace of mind which, once enjoyed, we will never want to lose."

Courage to Change, p.174, "...always brought the focus back to me and encouraged me to look at what my words really said.  When I blamed others for how I felt, I was giving them power over my feelings, power that rightly belonged to me...I can talk about myself and my feelings.  I can explain the way I experienced something rather than telling the other person how he or she made me feel.  I can talk about what I want.  I am no longer a victim."--a quote from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, "We learn in time it is not subjects which are controversial, but the manner in which we communicate about them and the elements of personal blame we add to them in anger."

Hope for Today, p.174, "I never, never need to be alone.  All I need to do is make conscious contact with GOD as I understand Him. " ---a quote from As We Understood, p.200, "When we turn to GOD, we find He has been facing us all the time."

Dear Sweet Lord God Almighty Creator, thank YOU...Love, Carol xoxox

The Path without Wrath

You know, sometimes the words come so easy but the actual doing is where the challenge is!  Jeesh.

On one day, Sho and I are good, eye-to-eye, no problem.  The next...we/re wonky.  Where's the love, man?  What sets him off?  The illness.  Camouflaged like it's "my fault" or "his fault".

The illness is on the warpath, a tornadic event that takes no prisoners.  All perish in its path.  A spiritual death so sad and avoidable...but only for the grace of GOD.  Jeesh.

Day by Day..."one trying incident doesn't have to ruin our day...strung out on emotional binges...learn to take each day with everything in it...learn to take today with humor, with acceptance and with love.
     "This is not to say we become doormats to be used as anyone chooses...means we're not going to complicate existing situations with emotional excesses....leave all the trials and complications for our Higher Power to handle."

As Bill Sees It, p.263, "The achievement from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed...Only the self-deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear."

Daily Reflections, p.181, "Only when I choose to give all my fears over to my Higher Power, I will be free."

Dear Lord GOD Creator, as YOU Will.  Thank YOU for it all.  Love, Carol xoxox

A Color Photo for a Gray Day

Well, I lugged the karaoke machine to the shelter yesterday and there were some singers in the house! How lovely to see their happy faces, eyes closed as they sing their hearts out.  Adorable.  There's something really beautiful about the individual voices as they express themselves.  I'm very humble and grateful to be able to promote this possibility.  This is definitely a GOD thing, imo. LOL

I had the chance to sing "The Rose", a beautiful song honoring a kernel of possibility within us all....Of course, my voice is nothing like the incomparable Bette Midler but we all cheered and had a good time anyway.  What a privilege.  LOL

Some say love it is a river

That drowns the tender reed

Some say love it is a razor

that leaves your soul to bleed

some say love it is a hunger

an end less aching need

I say love it is a flower

and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking

that never learns to dance

It's the dream afraid of waking

that never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken

who cannot seem to give

and the soul afraid of dyin'

that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely

and the road has been too long

and you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

just remember in the winter

far beneath the bitter snows

lies the seed that with the sun's love

in the spring becomes the rose

Day by Day, "...let me notice how things look on the days I am loving, so that I may have a color photo to look at on gray days."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.172, "If I am truly willing, I will see them (defects of character) replaced gradually by impulses of a different quality, that I can live with, comfortably free from self-reproach. "  "GOD make me entirely ready for the removal of my faults, that I may receive light on my problems and their true causes."

Courage to Change, p.172, "...I often keep quiet when confronted, instead of speaking my mind.  This might be a legitimate response, except that I don't consciously make the choice.  This is not responding, it's reacting, giving up my self-respect out of fear and out of habit.

     "My best alternative is to admit that I have a problem, accept my reactions, and turn them over to my Higher Power.  I've often heard that courage is fear that has said its prayers.  I must recognize my fear, I must say those prayers, and I must have faith as I wait for healing.

     "...The first step in learning to respond more effectively to others is to learn to respond more effectively to myself.  I can learn to respond with love, caring, and respect for myself, even for those parts of me that experience fear, confusion, and anger.

     Today I'll try to become more aware of alternatives that I haven't yet recognized...'accept the fact that, although I have no control over other people's reactions or thoughts, I can change the way I react.'---a quote from In All Our Affairs".

Hope for Today, p.172, This was about seemingly irreparable parent-child relationships:  "I heard the "magic formula"...to ask myself what talents I received from my parents...passed many of their talents, not just their burdens, on to me.   Realizing this could be a step toward repairing my relationship with them."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, YOU're so awesome, amazing, wonderful.  Thank YOU for the privilege to be here on this Earth at this time and to be of service.  Lord, please help me to be of maximum service, all to YOUR glory for without YOU I am lost.  Please guide and assist me throughout the day to love, honor and respect myself and brothers and sisters in the Spirit.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Wasting Time, Doing Time or Using Time to Live

I don't even know where to begin...Sho told me last night I'm wasting time with blogging.  He says I'm busy doing this when I can be busy doing other things that need to get done.  He may be right.  I'm slow and it does take time to put what I want to share into words communicating, passing it on to others and my Future-self that may need to read it.  I hand this over to my Higher Power.

Courage to Change, p.171, had one of the Agreements "Don't Take Things Personally" if "...troubled by another person's behavior, complicated situation, or a disappointing turn of events...I'm not a victim of everything that happens unless I choose to see myself that way...can take a different view...accept them at face value without taking them personally, I may find that they are not a problem at all, only things that have not gone as I would have liked....change of attitude can help free me to evaluate the situation realistically and move forward constructively.
     "Blaming my discomfort on outside events can be a way to avoid facing the real cause--my own attitudes.  I can see myself as a victim, or I can accept what is happening in my life and take responsibility for my response...when I listen to the guidance of my Higher Power I will no longer be the victim of my circumstances. ---a quote from Henry Ward Beecher, 'God asks no man whether he will accept life.  That is not the choice.  You must take it.  The only choice is how.'"

Hope for Today, p.171, "The longer I reflected on becoming willing, the brighter the light of understanding grew.  I realized that my family had lived in the black-and-white world of alcoholism...
     "When I can see the disease...as the cause of my wounds, the deep healing of recovery can begin.---quote from Paths to Recovery, p.84, "Step Eight reminds us that only we can unlock the door of our past and walk away."

Daily Reflections, p.179, "My feelings set me free, where my thoughts had held me in bondage."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.171, "As I understand the difficult task of facing myself and my faults, I will guard against self-justification and self-righteousness.  I am well aware how easy it is for me to make excuses for myself, and to blame my misfortunes on others, and particularly on the alcoholic."

Dear GOD Creator of it all, please guide me through this day to be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters.  Use me, Lord, as YOU Will.  All to YOUR glory.  Love, Carol xoxox

Awake vs Asleep

I want to pass this on...

...In All Our affairs, p.151, "Sometimes I hear the quiet sobbing of this lonely child who is still a part of me.  What she longs for now is no different than what she wanted then---a hug, a touch, a smile.  How I dreaded the morning after a drinking bout:  blood dried on the carpet, my mother's broken nose, blackened eyes hiding behind sunglasses in the dead of winter.  Pieces of dishes were scattered, as if pieces of my heart lay broken on the cold floor.  And so I lie weeping, reliving a nightmare I will not wake from, for I am not asleep.
     "The reassurance which never came is still most often withheld; no longer from all-important Mom and Dad, but from all-important me.  How often I scorn this lonely child I was, and sometimes still am.  I belittle her "weakness," turn my back on her pain.  It's so easy to intellectualize her hurting and unmercifully judge the validity of her feelings.  She doesn't need a lecture, she needs love.  She doesn't need a kick, she needs a caress.  She doesn't need accusations, she needs acceptance.  At the very times she needs me most, I've treated her coldly, with contemptuous indifference, causing the burning in her eyes and the aching in her heart to deepen.
     "There are times now, if I am still enough to listen, that I hear her weeping.  Her pain causes me great sadness, for she's suffered so much.  Then, because of all I have learned in Al-Anon, I reach out my hand to her, help her to her feet, wipe the tears from her eyes, and gently hold her."

The nightmare for me is that I relive the legacy of staying in the dream instead of staying in the here and now.  If I need a hug, I ask for it.  When I remember.  Sometimes I forget...and do without...like a long, lonely journey through a dry, parched desert...

Dear Lord, please help me remember to love and to be loved.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Anything but that...

Sho and I went to visit my oldest grandson (recently graduated) who joined the army.  He left yesterday.  I have mixed feelings about all this but I must honor his right to make his own choices.  I hand this over to my Higher Power.

Sho said he's going over to my youngest son's house because there is a water leak.  Jeesh.

I want to go back to bed and cover my head but instead I will go outside and check the garden, water the plants, make sure Elvis has water to drink, put the clothes into the dryer, get ready to go to work, do what's in front of me to do.  So help me GOD.

And work on my 4th Step which I notice goes to the bottom of the list as if it's not that important whereas the truth is...it's kicking my butt.  I may need to write some positive stuff in there...

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, YOUR awesomeness is so abundant and everywhere.  Please help me  embrace YOU always and cherish my brothers and sisters.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Self-care: Loving Detachment and Meditation

As I read the literature in the morning, I mark the places that resonate.  This way I can refer to those pages when needed.  I also collect them like gold or silver.  These are the nuggets of wisdom I find that help me so much.  I write them down on the blog to share them with you and also so I can refer to them.  This seems to help and I'm one of those who can use all the help available...lol

Courage to Change, p.168, "...need to let others experience the consequences of their actions...have to hit "bottom" and become uncomfortable with their own behavior before they can effectively do something about it...learn to get out of the way of this bottom...learn to detach with love...I may have the best of intentions, but if I take over other people's responsibilities, I may rob them of the chance to accomplish something and to feel good about what they've done.  Although I am trying to help, my actions may be communicating a lack of respect for my loved one's abilities.  When I detach with love, I offer support by freeing those I care about to experience both their own satisfactions and disappointments.
     "I am learning the difference between help and interference.  Today I will examine the way I offer support."  A quote from Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism, "Detachment did not mean disinterest...I considered detachment 'respect for another's personhood'."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.169, a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, "There is guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening, we shall hear the right word.  Certainly there is a right for you that needs no choice on your part.  Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life.  Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment."

Daily Reflections, p.176, "To us, the realm of the spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek.  It is open, we believe, to all..." a quote from As Bill Sees It, p.7

As We Understood, p.218, "It is quiet and I expect a few moments of uninterrupted solitude.  I try to relax my body completely and "empty" my mind.  I close my eyes and try to shut out thoughts, words, external sensations and consciousness of time.  This takes practice and I'm not always able to do it, but when I achieve that feeling of being one with all that is around me, I feel good and whole and at peace. ..It may only take five minutes, but I find that it makes me look at the world differently when I do it.  When I "come back to the world," I am refreshed, drained of all negative emotions and filled with calm acceptance."

Dear Precious Lord GOD Almighty Creator, YOU the One.  Love Carol xoxox

Cleaning the Mirror

What I do is beat myself up, deprive, denigrate, punish, blame, fault-find, finger-point, internalize and victimize.  Then give-up on myself.  Why bother?  Why try?  Then deny I do this to the point I absolutely cannot see or believe it no matter  what.  Period.

This is what I learned to do.  A pattern of thought processes that lead to self-defeating behaviors, over and over again.  This is the neurotic part of me...which is great!  I feel responsible.  I'm a lot more willing to help myself stop the crap.

A character disorder is more like:

What they do is beat me up, deprive, denigrate, punish, blame, fault-find, finger-point, internalize and victimize.  Then they give-up on me.  Why bother?  Why try?  Then they deny they do this to the point they absolutely cannot see or believe it no matter  what.  Period.

This is a lot harder to resolve because I'm not responsible, it's their fault.  Now, my uncanny ability to see what other people do to themselves and each other is amazing.  Also my ability to judge, criticize, and condemn.  It all looks better on them than on me.  This is how I learned to use other people as excuses for the things I do.  It's their fault.  Never mine.

The distorted thinking I touted as reality warped my perceptions like a house of mirrors can give wonky reflections.  How to get clarity?  True reflections?

My experience is to look for the good in others, reflect it back.  How do I do this?  By working the Steps.

Day by Day, April 21, "What we see in others is only a reflection of what is within ourselves.  When we come to understand that living today means turning to the Source of Light, then our reflection will be a beautiful one of kindness and love.  What does my reflection look like?"

AA teaches us to look out for others, to stop our selfish, self-centeredness.  Al-Anon teaches us to keep the focus on ourselves, "let it begin with me"...  I was an untreated Al-Anon long before I ever took a drink.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  LOL

Dear  Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator Spirit, thank YOU.  Love, Carol

Aging, Carrying the message, & Self-Care

Aging---what a privilege.  Not everybody gets to grow old.  I look at my gray hair, wrinkling skin, and remember my mom saying, "Carol, on the inside I feel like I'm 15 years old but my body doesn't cooperate."  Jeesh.   I can relate. The spirit is ageless on the inside.  Eternal.

I think about putting chemicals on my head to dye my hair..but I won't.  I'd like it to be pink or purple.  I truly am a silly old woman.  But I won't, mainly because I don't want to contribute to putting dye in the waterways.  Plus I want to embrace this inevitable process.  Like the sun-rising and setting.  A natural part of life as we know it here on Earth.

Daily Reflections, p.174, "AA taught me not to be overwhelmed, but rather to accept and understand my life as it unfolded."

One Day at a Time in Al-anon, p.166, "Here is a medicine that can change your whole life for the better; it will put you in  state of relaxed serenity; help you overcome the nagging undercurrent of guilt for past errors, give you new insight into yourself and your spiritual value, and let you meet life's challenges with confidence and courage."  Would I take it?"  The magic medicine of working the Steps...

Hope for Today, p.166, "If I don't take the action to trust, my Higher Power has nothing to work with."

Courage to Change, p.166, "Then I read the Twelfth Step again.  This time I noticed the part about practicing these principles in all my affairs.  Slowly I came to understand that in living these principles I would carry the message by example."  Jeesh.  No preaching, no lecturing, no rescuing, no saving the world, no giving advice...just living the principles.  Show by example.  Model the behavior.  This is what it looks like to work the Steps on a daily basis...hmmm.

Came to Understand, p.217, "Meditation is not what you think." A one line wonder.

...In All Our Affairs, p.148, "...at low moments (there were times when I felt suicidal) I found that creativity was a great antidote for negativity.  I had been a sculptress, but one of the effects of alcoholism was that I lost touch with my art for several years.  The idea of working in my studio overwhelmed me.  So I did what I could...invented recipes for chicken and garnished the plate with flowers...bought a coloring book and a set of markers...made up song lyrics...going to coffee after meetings was extremely helpful...the breakup had left me feeling rejected and unlovable.  The warm support I received in these social evenings helped with those feelings and filled many otherwise lonely hours.  Hot showers, dancing in front of my mirror to very loud music, a cuddly teddy bear, and especially exercise lifted my spirits.  Once a month I went to a comedy club with an Al-anon friend, just to remind myself that no matter how tragic my life seemed, some things were still funny.  I bought a blank book, and when my feelings bottled up inside, I would write a letter to this God I was trying to understand, as if I were writing to a new friend...Today I know that part of my recovery is respecting my need and my right to let go and relax."

Dear GOD of it all, thank YOU for YOU.  Please help me be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit.  Love, Carol xoxox

Yesterday's Funeral

Wow. Yesterday was fast and hard.  I didn't get the chance to blog.  I ironed Sho a couple of shirts and pair of pants, he dressed then he left.  I ironed what I was going to wear, jumped in the shower, dressed, walked Elvis then I drove to the funeral home where his mother lay in state.

She looked amazing.  And different from what I ever saw her.  She looked like a princess in some primitive way.  Too hard to describe, different.  She was considered a curandera by many people and it was moving to see the tribute paid to her, especially by the grandchildren.  One of them told me she was a good grandma although she would pinch them but mainly because they were doing things they weren't supposed to, like poking sticks at her chickens.  We reminisced about the flying saucer shaped tortillas she used to make, so big they overfilled the largest skillet or griddle.  Huge.  Wow.

I remember the time, in an effort to cure her husband of constipation,  she took a plunger to him.   He was so much taller than her and I pictured her trying to help him.  Hilarious.  I laughed so hard whenever I thought of it.

Anyway the funeral was something else.  Sho's ex-wife was there and afterwards I told him I gave her an A+ for courage.  That she was willing to show-up to pay her respects was very courageous.  Later on, my youngest step-son remarked to me if I'd seen my competition.  That she was saying it was Sho's fault they separated.  I told him no one person can take the blame for what happened because it's a family disease that affected everybody, including him, me, Sho, etc.   He seemed reflective.  I hugged him and told him I found an old card he'd handcrafted and given me many years ago.  It said, "My love for you grows and grows and grows."   The card is long and folded.  So each time it unfolds the words "and grows" appears.  Very kewl.  One more time.  I may not have been the best mother, step-mother in the world.  I was there.  I did the best I knew how at that time.   I loved them, and considering how poor we were, there was a lot of laughter, close-ness and sharing.  We were all in it together.  I put this in GOD's Hands.

What was remarkable was when Sho's working and fishing buddies, Mario, Mario's dad, Tony, and Miguel showed up to give him moral support  The beauty and potency of their love and support was so cute.  I shook their hands as I met them.   I wanted to hug them.They were adorable to care for Sho in this way.  They are good men, like Sho is a good man.  GOD bless them.

The funeral stirred and squeezed in different ways.  I put it all in the Hands of a Power Greater than me.  GOD.  I ain't the One.  Jeesh.

Last night I felt sad, pensive, worried, fearful and in need of a meeting but I didn't want to go.  I didn't want to encounter Sam.  I wanted to avoid him.  Leave him alone.  Honor his space.  But my conflict was...I needed a meeting.  I called my sponsor.  Went to the club.  And instead of going inside, I hung out with a double winner who's been gravely ill and is doing so much better.  It was such a relief.  He's an excellent conversationalist and quite engaging.  I really enjoyed listening and talking with him.  We waxed deep especially when another double winner hung-out with us for a while.  Then it was time to go home and feed Elvis.  I felt relaxed, grateful and outside of my head.  Kewl beanz.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, YOUR awesome abundant gifts of Life evidence the magnitude of YOUR Power, YOUR Wisdom, YOUR Love and YOUR Grace.  Thank YOU for this precious gift and all glory to YOU, Lord.  Please help me be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters.  Love, Carol

Trust

My ruffled feathers are calming, settling down.  Jeesh.  As if.  I am not "it".  I just don't know what's best for me, much less everybody else.  I can guess but I don't know.

This is where my faith in a Higher Power is crucial.  I don't have to know.

This is where my faith in a Higher Power is crucial.  I don't want to know.

This is where my faith in a Higher Power is crucial.  I don't need to know.

All I need is to trust.  I must do my part.  Trust.  Then get into action...

TRUST...

1.

reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2.

confident expectation of something; hope.

3.

confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.

4.

a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

5.

the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

So easy to say and hard as heck to do at times.

Dear Sweet Merciful Lord GOD Creator, how truly magnificent the works of YOUR Hands, the grandeur and splendor unfold as they should, on YOUR time.  From the smallest neutrino to the colossal Universe itself and all in-between in the spectrum of possibilities and impossibilities is YOUR Infinite Grace and Power.  Time and space.  YOU are indeed the Master, the One, the Source.  All glory to YOU.   Please, Lord, I pray for knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom and the willingness to Accept and TO DO IT.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Submit...

I absolutely cannot make it without GOD and others.  "Like the flower needs the rain, you know I need you" goes the song.

These past 2 weeks have been nail-biting tension.  If I bit my nails I wouldn't have any!  The gut-wrenching grief, sorrow, anger, fear, guilt, shame, remorse, despair, frustration.  Jeesh.  I thought all of that was over in my life.  What is really something is that no one is doing a darn thing to me.  I'm doing this to myself.

In a lot of ways, I'm terribly immature.  A spoiled brat in that I don't want any discomfort.  I want it my way.  Right now.  Uh, it's been my experience this usually does not work out in the long run.  Where has my best thinking taken me???

I cannot rely on Self for the solution.  I am a part of the problem.  I need GOD.  I need other people.  It's been proven to me over and over again.  Submit to the simple process...

I wrote the letter of amends yesterday and read it to one of my double winner friends.  Later, I talked it over with another friend and then my AA sponsor.  My Al-Anon sponsor is still out of town.  Today I feel so much better.  Wow.  I'm deeply grateful.

I went to my grandson's graduation party and it was lovely to visit then be able to leave.  The children had sparklers, laughing, playing.  If anyone was drinking alcohol I wasn't aware of it and conversations were fun without any character assassinations.  Kewl.

Sho, along with his aunt, uncle, sisters, and brother, is dealing with making arrangements for his mother's funeral.  How different that must be from how it was when my mom died.  I put them all in GOD's Hands.

Anyway, last night I listened to some YouTube, played solitaire and when it was time, I went to sleep.  I slept like a baby.  Peaceful.  Serene.  All night long.  Thank YOU, GOD.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD on High, thank YOU for the wonder of this moment in Life.  Thank YOU for words of comfort, of love and support.  Thank YOU for the abundance of peace.  YOU are the One.  Lord, please help me be of maximum service to YOU and Your children.  Love, Carol xoxox

 

Giving up the Crutch

I wrote another blog...just as I finished there was a big POP sound across the street...a transformer blew?  I'm not sure but the electricity went out everywhere.  No electricity, no Internet, no posting.  So instead, I went outside to the garden and harvested a beautiful, yellow summer squash and some tomatoes.

The electricity is back on.  The birds are chirping, riled up. Rain is starting to come down.  It is what it is...

The readings again preoccupy my mind and heart.

Day by Day, "If we practice the things of the spirit (patience, faith, love), we will become our own living miracles."

Daily Reflections, p.169, "Each day can be like a rose unfurling according to the plan of a Power Greater than myself...Each stage of the petals' unfolding can bring wonder and delight if I do not interfere or let my expectations override my acceptance---and this brings serenity."

One Day at a Time in Al-anon, p.161, "Nothing makes us so vulnerable as to give up the crutch of The Alibi."

Courage to Change, p.161, quote, "If my problems have brought me to prayer, then they have served a purpose."---As We Understood

...In All Our Affairs, p.137, "Sometimes putting "First Things First" isn't getting my life in order, it's just picking up a pencil with a point."

Dear Merciful Lord GOD Almighty Great Spirit Creator of All that was-is-will be-and might be, YOU are IT.  The solution to all my problems and everybody elses.  YOU rule.  The wonder and glory of YOUR majesty permeates the Uni-verses of Possibilities and so-called Impossibilities.  The works of YOUR Hands are truly miraculous.  Thank YOU for Life, Liberty of Spirit and the gifts of t
he Spirit.  I love YOU and thank YOU for loving me and my brothers and sisters.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Cable Guy and how crazy I can get...in a blink

Jeesh.  So yesterday morning I'm blogging about Oneita and my phone rings.  It's the cable guy who was scheduled to work on the cable box to see why it's not working.  A couple of minutes later he's at the door knocking and I'm not prepared to answer the door.

My hair is unruly, don't have the dental partials in my mouth, wearing a tank top no-bra, blah-blah.  Believe me...an unsightly mess.  Oh.  And before I forget.  The psoriasis on my elbows exposed.  Yep. In rare form, buddy.

I ask Sho to attend to the cable man but he's on the phone talking so reluctantly I answer the door.

The cable man has his head turned down and away as if he doesn't want to see me.  Hmmm.  I'm thinking...

He enters, starts working on the the wires, etc.  I tell Sho I'm going to my room where Elvis is because he's not very socialized.  I get back to the blog but suddenly the Internet shuts down so I go to the other room where he's got equipment out to test the line.  He tells me the Internet's back on.

He stands up and starts talking, telling the details whys and wherefores the box doesn't work and he wants to go in my room.  I say no.  Elvis is in there.  I'll need to make arrangements.  He and I looking at each other, like we are toe-to-toe in some way, engaged.  I wanted to recognize him but I couldn't.  He was tall, good-looking and in some way quietly belligerent.  He finishes and leaves.

After he leaves I start thinking (which can be a sure sign things are going to go to hell and back in a few minutes---which they did).   Was that him?  The One I Owe the Biggest Amends to in my life??  I don't know.  I talk to Sho.  I cry.  I'm angry.  I just don't know.  One more time I see clearly that I cannot see him.  I feel confident of this.  Even if he were right in front of me.  Which apparently he has been on multiple occasions and not just a figment of my imagination.  C-r-a-z-y, indeed.

I reach-out to an Al-Anon friend who reassures me on many counts.  Then I call an AA friend who...gets down to brass tacks.  Write a letter of amends.  Jeesh.

Later, at work, I talk to another AA friend.  She suggests the same thing.  Write a letter.  

A letter I will never mail, never give.  A letter clearly stating where and how I was wrong...and telling the truth...it was nothing he did, it was none of his fault.  A letter where there are no justifications.  A letter where I tell the truth and the truth is I was selfish, self-centered, dishonest and made decisions based on fear.  Period.  He deserved better.  He deserved to be treated better than that.  There's nothing he did that warranted being treated in such a terrible way.  If I could've, would've, should've done it all differently I would've preferred I just told him the truth.  All of it.  The way I treated him did not reflect love, deep respect or honor.  That wasn't his fault.  He was a good guy.

A letter where I clearly state that if I could've handled it all differently, I would've treated him with dignity, respect, honor and worth.  And that although I did treat him in a very hurtful way I make a commitment that in honor of knowing and loving him, today I work to act in a loving, respectful, honest way with men.  Not perfectly but as best I can on a daily basis.  I look them in the eye and speak my truth...and practice willingness to listen to theirs.

I will write this letter, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, YOU're the ONE, the Source, the Highest, the Mostest.    Thank YOU for the abundance of love, strength and wisdom YOU shower on us all.  YOUR grace smooths the hard edges of Life and YOUR Love cocoons our spiritual transformations.   As we spread our wings, may we bring glory to YOU.  As YOU Will.  Please help me be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the spirit.  Love, Carol xoxox

What's the price of Life? Pay attention.

I had a beautiful little Chihuahua named One-ita (pronounced Juanita).   She was so fine and lovely, each hair on her exquisitely place and I used to admire her so much.  I told her GOD had placed each hair on her just right.  Her little body would shake with a soulful sigh as she unabashedly soaked up all that love and admiration, her big brown eyes saying how much she loved me.  I would tell her, "Oneita, you speak with your eyes.  I know you do."  Then she'd bat her eyelashes, squint even more.

I've written about her before.  Today I miss her. I grieve her passing away.  I feel the pain as the tears well up in my eyes.  This, too, shall pass.  Once in a while I think about her.  Sometimes Elvis reminds me of her when I feel I'm being watched and discover its his eyes looking at me as if I am his movie star, the light of his life.  He's so cute.  And he talks to me with his eyes.  Dogs are incredible and very communicative, if only I'd pay attention.  So it is in life.  If only I pay attention...

It's not that I'm a slow learner.  It's that I'm a fast forgetter...one more time.

Dear Higher Power, help me pay attention and to be of service.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol

Lost in Time

Today is my grandson's graduation from high school.  How exciting to have the privilege to participate in this event as a grandma.  As a parent, it felt very different.  The stress of time management, financial considerations, losing time at work, fit it in in all the other things that needed to get done.  My children had it hard.  May GOD shower them with blessings for surviving those challenging times.  I love them all and am deeply grateful for the honor and privilege of being their mom.  

One of the readings today reminded me of this TV show:

There was an old TV series, "Lost In Space" where a robot would spin-out as he said, "Danger, Will Robinson!  Danger!" while his accordion-shaped robotic arms flayed hysterically around.  I l-o-v-e-d watching it.  Mesmerized by the difference, lost in the story-line of other people and what's happening in their lives.

Hope for Today, p.158, "I learned how to diffuse criticism by replying, "You may be right," and using the slogan, "Think" to help me act rather than react."..."When something upsetting happens, old memories of previous hurts often come back to haunt me.  This makes it difficult to stay in the present and I start living simultaneously in the past and in the future.  The outcomes of the past get projected onto present and future situations.  I become trapped in hopelessness and find it difficult to make healthy decisions.
     "When I get lost in time, I ask what I need right then to care for myself.  If I do something physical---such as make an Alanon phone call, write in my journal, exercise, or work on a project---I detach from myself.  The past and future go back where they belong, and I come back, much calmer, to the present."

Lost in time.  That is a danger for me.  Where is GOD?  In the here and now.  "Be still...and know that I am GOD." I must stay in the here and now.  The Present.  What a gift.

Dear GOD Creator...thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

So many Gifts of the Spirit

Today is my son's birthday.  He's been a true gift in my life.  What parent likes to hear the truth about themselves from the perspective of their child?  He's helped me see a lot of truth, albeit, unwillingly cause it hurt to see the truth at times but he's loved me through-out it all.  This is not to say he didn't hate and couldn't stand the sight of me on many occasions.  Jeesh.  To think I was all that as a parent would be truly delusional on my part.  I will say I am truly grateful my children even speak and profess their love to me. That they are willing to hang-out with me is a tribute to the 12 Steps program because if nothing else,  I've learned to keep my hands off and MMOB (Mind My Own Business).  They have a Higher Power and I'm not it.  LOL

Before blogging, I read the literature gathered for today.  This morning's readings took me, swept me to heights of love, compassion, understanding far surpassing the best thinking of this limited human mind.  It takes what it takes.  The gratitude for the awesomeness of the Higher Power, the Power Greater than myself I choose to call "GOD", flows so deeply.  You know, the depth of these feelings "put the quiver to my liver", move me.  How do I describe it?  Like the first love that takes your breath away just by finding excuses to say his name or knowing he walked into the room, like the feeling of a roller coaster whirling in its rush of power, like taking a leap on a bungee cord plunging with uninhibited control, like the the warmth of a gentle kiss from the sun on a cold winter day, like the rain soothing the earth and the wilted flowers rejuvenate, alive.  On and on.  Just from reading the literature.  Such a wellspring of hope, love and sweet promise.  Wow.  I felt tears come, the gratitude so beautiful and nourishing.  I can't "earn" this nor do I need to work for it.  There's nothing I need to do except receive it, a gift freely given by my Creator.  I simply need receive it, accept it.  Thank YOU, GOD.

Day by Day, "In the 4th Step we aren't asked to generalize or simplify the nature of our wrongs.  We are asked to individualize every situation."  Jeesh.  There goes that idea...LOL

As We Understood, p.208, "Praying "forgive my sins" is vague and nothing changes, but when I recognize the power of naming a defect and asking for its removal or of naming a quality and asking for its enhancement, then---and only then---does change take place...
     "My self-knowledge is never complete without interaction with GOD and another human being.  When I eliminate GOD and others, I narrow my focus to self.  When I focus on GOD, however, I find that He does the cleaning...
     "...when I start to look at the space within which you live, at the light in your life, for the first time, I recognize your uniqueness and intricacy...
     "...what the 11th Step has come to mean to me:  watching the light and asking for the ability to see what is already planned, so that I will respond to the power instead of working against it."  Oh, my gosh, how cool is that?

Courage to Change, p.157, "When I open my heart to a Power that fills me with love and acceptance, I can begin to extend those qualities to others.  I may not do it perfectly or even consistently, but I can recognize my progress one day at a time."

Hope for Today, p.157, "Each new day I turn myself over to GOD's care because I know what He does is well done."  "I need only turn myself over one minute, one hour, one day at a time." "I began turning my life over five minutes at a time and watching GOD closely to see what happened."---a quote-From Survival to Recovery, p.34

One Day at a Time in Alanon, p.157, "Prayers for courage and guidance never go unanswered.  But I must be ready to act on that guidance."

Daily Reflections, p.166, "All that Step 6 asks of me is to become willing to name my defects, claim them as my own, and be willing to discard the ones I can, just for today.  As I grow in the program, many of my defects become more objectionable to me than previously and, therefore,  need to repeat Step 6 so that I become happier with myself and maintain my serenity."

Dear Sweet Great Spirit GOD Creator of it ALL, how magnificent YOUR bountiful gifts YOU bestow on us all.   Thank YOU for the abundance of Life, Love, and Light that YOU shine on my loved and not-so-loveables.  YOU're the Most Hightest, Greatest and Lovingest.  Thank YOU again and again.  I'm deeply grateful for this moment.  For this breath I have the privilege of breathing.  For this moment in time and space YOU've given me.  Dear Lord, I ask only for knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom and the Willingness to ACCEPT and To Do It.  All to YOUR glory.
As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

The godhead of this disease

Oh...I see.  This ego thing is something else.  Even looking back in the past it puffs itself up, "It's all about who?"  Me, me, me, me, me, me...  This is my "ism".  I.  Self.  Me.  The godhead of the spiritual disease I live with.  I didn't cause.  I can't control it.  I can't cure.  But I sure can contribute to it.  When I don't do my part.  Work the Steps, silly.

So simple...but hard to do for a ego-drive, self-centered, know-it-all psuedo wanna be god like me.  Jeesh.

In all my affairs.

Dear Sweet Almighty Creator, thank YOU.  Please show me the way to be of service to YOU and all YOUR children.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox