Cleaning the Mirror

What I do is beat myself up, deprive, denigrate, punish, blame, fault-find, finger-point, internalize and victimize.  Then give-up on myself.  Why bother?  Why try?  Then deny I do this to the point I absolutely cannot see or believe it no matter  what.  Period.

This is what I learned to do.  A pattern of thought processes that lead to self-defeating behaviors, over and over again.  This is the neurotic part of me...which is great!  I feel responsible.  I'm a lot more willing to help myself stop the crap.

A character disorder is more like:

What they do is beat me up, deprive, denigrate, punish, blame, fault-find, finger-point, internalize and victimize.  Then they give-up on me.  Why bother?  Why try?  Then they deny they do this to the point they absolutely cannot see or believe it no matter  what.  Period.

This is a lot harder to resolve because I'm not responsible, it's their fault.  Now, my uncanny ability to see what other people do to themselves and each other is amazing.  Also my ability to judge, criticize, and condemn.  It all looks better on them than on me.  This is how I learned to use other people as excuses for the things I do.  It's their fault.  Never mine.

The distorted thinking I touted as reality warped my perceptions like a house of mirrors can give wonky reflections.  How to get clarity?  True reflections?

My experience is to look for the good in others, reflect it back.  How do I do this?  By working the Steps.

Day by Day, April 21, "What we see in others is only a reflection of what is within ourselves.  When we come to understand that living today means turning to the Source of Light, then our reflection will be a beautiful one of kindness and love.  What does my reflection look like?"

AA teaches us to look out for others, to stop our selfish, self-centeredness.  Al-Anon teaches us to keep the focus on ourselves, "let it begin with me"...  I was an untreated Al-Anon long before I ever took a drink.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  LOL

Dear  Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator Spirit, thank YOU.  Love, Carol