My hair is unruly, don't have the dental partials in my mouth, wearing a tank top no-bra, blah-blah. Believe me...an unsightly mess. Oh. And before I forget. The psoriasis on my elbows exposed. Yep. In rare form, buddy.
I ask Sho to attend to the cable man but he's on the phone talking so reluctantly I answer the door.
The cable man has his head turned down and away as if he doesn't want to see me. Hmmm. I'm thinking...
He enters, starts working on the the wires, etc. I tell Sho I'm going to my room where Elvis is because he's not very socialized. I get back to the blog but suddenly the Internet shuts down so I go to the other room where he's got equipment out to test the line. He tells me the Internet's back on.
He stands up and starts talking, telling the details whys and wherefores the box doesn't work and he wants to go in my room. I say no. Elvis is in there. I'll need to make arrangements. He and I looking at each other, like we are toe-to-toe in some way, engaged. I wanted to recognize him but I couldn't. He was tall, good-looking and in some way quietly belligerent. He finishes and leaves.
After he leaves I start thinking (which can be a sure sign things are going to go to hell and back in a few minutes---which they did). Was that him? The One I Owe the Biggest Amends to in my life?? I don't know. I talk to Sho. I cry. I'm angry. I just don't know. One more time I see clearly that I cannot see him. I feel confident of this. Even if he were right in front of me. Which apparently he has been on multiple occasions and not just a figment of my imagination. C-r-a-z-y, indeed.
I reach-out to an Al-Anon friend who reassures me on many counts. Then I call an AA friend who...gets down to brass tacks. Write a letter of amends. Jeesh.
Later, at work, I talk to another AA friend. She suggests the same thing. Write a letter.
A letter I will never mail, never give. A letter clearly stating where and how I was wrong...and telling the truth...it was nothing he did, it was none of his fault. A letter where there are no justifications. A letter where I tell the truth and the truth is I was selfish, self-centered, dishonest and made decisions based on fear. Period. He deserved better. He deserved to be treated better than that. There's nothing he did that warranted being treated in such a terrible way. If I could've, would've, should've done it all differently I would've preferred I just told him the truth. All of it. The way I treated him did not reflect love, deep respect or honor. That wasn't his fault. He was a good guy.
A letter where I clearly state that if I could've handled it all differently, I would've treated him with dignity, respect, honor and worth. And that although I did treat him in a very hurtful way I make a commitment that in honor of knowing and loving him, today I work to act in a loving, respectful, honest way with men. Not perfectly but as best I can on a daily basis. I look them in the eye and speak my truth...and practice willingness to listen to theirs.
I will write this letter, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise.
Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, YOU're the ONE, the Source, the Highest, the Mostest. Thank YOU for the abundance of love, strength and wisdom YOU shower on us all. YOUR grace smooths the hard edges of Life and YOUR Love cocoons our spiritual transformations. As we spread our wings, may we bring glory to YOU. As YOU Will. Please help me be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the spirit. Love, Carol xoxox
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