The Anniversario

I met with my Al-Anon sponsor yesterday.  We read some excepts from Hope for Today re: the 4th Step.  I cried.  I told her how stricken and hurt to think I was "inconsequential" to the person I was convinced I hurt so bad, the maudlin guilt riding me for YEARS as I threw myself in punishment under the bus for hurting him, neglecting myself under the banner of "I'm no good". I short-changed me, myself and I...and most grievously---my precious babies, my own children.   What does Bill W. say maudlin self-pity is????  Martyrdom.  THAT IS THE ROLE I LEARNED TO PLAY.  How did I play it?  By beating myself up, wearing a hair-shirt, cat-o-nine, etc.  Like Jim Carey in that bathroom scene in the movie "Liar, Liar".  omg  The  classic Alanonism...mothering, manipulating, managing, martyrdom.  The name of the script is "Alcoholism:  a family disease."  This other individual has no idea...he's living out his own role, has his own challenges, as we all do.  The challenge is to wake-up and stay awake.  Awareness, Acceptance, Action.   I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it but I sure as heck can contribute to it!  LOL  I am so redundant.

Afterwards, I went home, took a nap, woke-up, turned on the computer then printed-out a flyer.

Also, I cut my hair.  The old way.  I combed it straight up, bunched together in the clutch of  hand, at the top of the head, then used a sharp pair of scissors to cut in a straight line across it.  Combing the hair down toward the face, I cut a diagonal line with the shape of my face.  It looks pretty good or rather, it looked good until this morning when I cut a little more off...jeesh.  Just leave well enough alone, Carol.  LOL

After showering, it was make-up time.  This was the second time in a month I've put some on.  Don't really know why I ever stopped.  It's kind of fun to put it on and to wear it.  Even with a round, fat, old, wrinkled face the makeup enhances, accents the feminine qualities.  It's okay to look nice, not so dowdy.  LOL  Silly me.

I also noticed while dressing how little I have to wear that's appropriate for going-out or even what we used to call "Sunday best".  Time to change that....this happened just to reach-out and be of service...to hand-out flyers.  Jeesh.

While walking out to the car,  Sho asked who I'd cut my hair, wore makeup and dressed for?  "For me," I answered, "I want to feel good about myself."  Earlier I'd invited him to go but he'd declined.  (I brought him back a piece a cake from the party).  

All this in preparation to go to the Spanish AA "Anniversario" or celebration at the club.  There was a 7 or 8 piece ensemble band playing and people were dancing.  Children ran in and out the club as they also played.  People having fun without drinking or drugging.  I handed out a flyer informing about the day, time, etc. of the Spanish Al-Anon meeting there on Saturday mornings.  I put this all in the Higher Power's Hands.

I encountered a woman who has struggled for years to stay clean and sober.  Her father, too, accessed her sexually when she was a young woman.  Her guilt is severe.  Anyway, for the first time I met her mom, daughter and granddaughter.  The invitation was extended to all these generations to attend the Al-Anon meeting if they'd like.  There's a new meeting starting up on Tuesdays for women and I informed them about this too.  How exciting to be the bearer of good news, of hope!  Thank YOU, Higher Power, for making this possible.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty, thank YOU for the privilege, opportunity and honor to be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters.  Lord, will YOU please show me the way YOU want me to go and help me along?  I need YOUR wisdom, courage, and strength to make it.  I just can't do it without YOU.  YOU are The One, The Power, the Source of the Universe.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox