One of the most devastating weapons my mother used against me over and over was invalidation. I didn't think right, feel the right emotions, say the right things, act right, made too many mistakes, she accused me of trying to kill my siblings on various occasions. The relationship with my mother was like a bobby-trapped field. I wanted her love, to be safe, to be looked out for but over and over she exploded in my face. I learned to not trust myself but in the end, I was all I had. As a child, I felt torn between a deep loyalty to her, she birthed me after all and I hated anyone saying bad things about her. I felt so embarrassed and torn. Screaming at me, threatening, calling names, accusing and bestowing atrocious attributes upon me...the only way to please her would be if I were more like her. A bully, mean, cruel, insensitive, with a "f*** the world" and "f*** GOD" attitude. Sometimes I just wanted to die or kill her to shut her up, like the last day in Austin, when I hit and knocked her down. As I left she was laid out on the ground and I didn't know if she lived or died. The one and only time I ever raised my hand at her. She was slapping my face over and over because of the relationship between me and the aforementioned individual who had already left the house. With all her force. I just looked at her until I couldn't, wouldn't take it anymore then I hit her. Pow. Right in the kisser. Down she dropped. Surely among one of the worst days of my young life. I was 16 years old. She didn't move as I left.
I heard people say I looked just like her. I could n-e-v-e-r see or accept it. Now I can. I do look like her. And I am like her in a lot of ways. Not all bad. I surely must have provoked her in many, many ways.
As I look back and work the most stringent, vigorous inventory I've ever done, no stone left un-turned, even the boss at work says my empathy is growing stronger. Jeesh. My sponsor's grandmother died and she's flying out for a week. I am so grateful for cellphones.
I found some gems from today's readings. Yeah! They help me so much and I'm one of those who needs all the help available. LOL It does get better. I know this to be true because I still remember how it used to be. Incredible pain...
As We Understood, p.205, "True wisdom starts with a heart full of faith, not a head full of facts."
One Day at a Time in Alanon, p.155, "We learn we cannot go on functioning as we have been, impulsively and automatically, if we hope to improve our lives.
"If we really do want peace of mind, the first thing to realize is that it does not depend on conditions outside us, but those inside us. An honest search of our own motives may show that we relish our martyrdom or that we fear, subconsciously, that we deserve it.
"When we find the causes of our distress and frustration, we can establish corrective habits to overcome them."
Hope for Today, p.55, "...They don't always accept it, but it certainly feels good to have it to give." "Higher Power, please lead me to those who can give me what I need and grant me the compassion to love those who can't."
Courage to Change, p.55, "Once we learned to see our situation as it really was, we understood why it was necessary for us to turn to a Power Greater than ourselves." A quote from 12 & 12.
Dear Sweet Lord Almighty Creator of All there Is and Isn't, YOU're the Mostest, Highest, Greatest of All. Without YOU, I am nothing. Thank YOU again and again for the multiple gifts YOU bestow upon us all. Lord, please guide, support, and provide me with the way YOU want me to go forth this day to be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters. As YOU Will, Lord. Love, Carol xoxox
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