I came home from work last night, fed Elvis and then went to bed. Not a word to or from Sho as he sat in front of the TV with his usual can of beer stuck to his hand. The silence speaks so loudly.
He went to work this morning. No kiss, no "GOD bless you", no hug, which is our usual parting and then he gives Elvis a milkbone as a ritual so even the dog is involved in our goodbyes. I grieve this. The silence is thundering.
I've talked to Sho before that it's been my experience when people pick fights with me, they're usually guilty of something and this is their way of pushing me away to justify what they did. I learned this by observing my own behavior. It's one of those things where I'm pointing a finger at you but how many of them are pointing at me? LOL
One of the symptoms of the spiritual malady is reacting with isolation, a social withdrawal. I can do this without leaving the room. In a blink. I can construct walls to my heart, to communicating, to learning, to engagement, interaction by simply closing the doors of my mind. SLAM. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to think it. I don't want to feel it. And I sure as hell don't want to do a damn thing about it. Back in the prison...clang goes the door. Nobody does this to me. It's an inside job. I l-e-a-r-n-e-d to do this...now I must learn a different way. The prison door swings both ways...it opens and it closes.
I want freedom. The freedom to be happy, joyous and free. To enjoy the few moments I have here on Earth, in this lifetime that goes by so fleetingly in comparison to the lifetime of the Universe. The freedom to enjoy you and me, to embrace the incredible possibilities...wow. It's an inside job. No one can do this for me. No matter how much they love me or how smart, experienced, rich, strong, cute, old, young, etc. Hitting bottom for me is realizing over and over that true freedom, the way out, is to stay aware, awake...to accept there truly is a Power Greater than us all...and to turn it all over, let go and let GOD...work the Steps, no matter what, do the deal.
Step 1...
Day by Day, "Most of us described ourselves as loners...divided the world into people who hated us and people who didn't like us very much...Others of us experienced the miserable feeling of being alone even though people liked us...We never have to be alone again. Those walls we built around ourselves gradually come down as we stay sober....."
Daily Reflections, p.182, "I am learning to practice acceptance in all circumstances of my life, so that I may enjoy peace of mind."
One Dat at a Time in Al-Anon, p. 174, "The central thought is willingness---to admit our rrors so we can clear our inner consciousness of guilt...The 8th STEP PLACES US ON THE THRESHOLD OF FREEDOM from self-hate; it opens the door to new peace of mind which, once enjoyed, we will never want to lose."
Courage to Change, p.174, "...always brought the focus back to me and encouraged me to look at what my words really said. When I blamed others for how I felt, I was giving them power over my feelings, power that rightly belonged to me...I can talk about myself and my feelings. I can explain the way I experienced something rather than telling the other person how he or she made me feel. I can talk about what I want. I am no longer a victim."--a quote from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, "We learn in time it is not subjects which are controversial, but the manner in which we communicate about them and the elements of personal blame we add to them in anger."
Hope for Today, p.174, "I never, never need to be alone. All I need to do is make conscious contact with GOD as I understand Him. " ---a quote from As We Understood, p.200, "When we turn to GOD, we find He has been facing us all the time."
Dear Sweet Lord God Almighty Creator, thank YOU...Love, Carol xoxox
No comments:
Post a Comment