I received a telephone call on Friday night and was asked if I'd give the Person I Owe The Biggest Amends In My Whole Life's ex-wife, which by the way, I had NO idea...Jeesh...a ride in the morning to Spanish Al-Anon. I've been taught when I'm asked to be of service...to say "yes". I told her I'm willing to do this but it will need to be earlier because I go to the English Al-Anon at 10 am, etc. Now, as I think back, I realize she hesitated then said "yes".
We arrive about 5 minutes before it starts, she asks to go back to my car to get her sweater, I unlock the car by remote control...which is awesome, as she's walking back I lock the car. Kewl. I get a cup of water and she's getting coffee and a donut. I go ahead into the meeting and sit at the end of a table (which I never do). She sits on the other side of my friend. Later during the meeting I notice a beautiful young woman who I've seen before. She's looking at me and I at her. I look at her eyes and see the Person I Owe The Biggest Amends In My Whole Life's eyes looking back at me. I think of him and feel those feelings flooding through me. The ones I don't allow, from long habit, not to feel. I think I'm delusional. My cough wells up so I go get a warm cup of coffee and a donut. I didn't eat breakfast so why not?
At some point I share about this keen, analytical mind I'm cursed with (a few of my Bill W. friends twitter in knowing laughter) and about how it's been important for me to write-out the things I can and cannot do re: the Serenity Prayer. Blah-blah. Then his "ex" says whatever, etc. The meeting's over.
Later she discloses the Person I Owe The Biggest Amends in My Whole Life had been there. All along. WHAT??? Does anyone in this whole world know how many times I've imagined, felt, thought he was right by me, so close, a whisper...but I was never sure. What she told me yesterday confirms a sneaky suspicion I've had for years...I cannot see him. Not because he doesn't want to be seen but because the denial in my brain is so strong...I won't LET me see him. The pain is too great. I'm definitely crazy in this aspect. I've cried more this past week than I can say. As I journal, as I blog this, etc. I'm discharging a lot of energy.
Another thing...as I reflect on yesterday I see myself...my gray hair disheveled, I'm obese, anything...I see it now...to keep male attentions off me. I went to a co-worker's funeral on Thursday, dressed up, wearing makeup, presentable...what a difference...and received attention, even fat-assed. Jeesh. I've come a l-o-n-g way and I got a l-o-n-g way to go.
All this says to me is that I'm still full of it. I met with an AA friend and we talked about all this. He says I'm probably very inconsequential in the other person's life. Kewl. I never even thought of this possibility due to myopic vision challenges. Then I met with my Alanon sponsor. So I didn't go to dinner last night, didn't return his "ex's" phone calls, didn't go to Birthday Night.
Instead I went home, cried, took a nap, felt sorry for myself, angry, hurt, sad, afraid. And prayed.
Sho made some bar-b-que and brought me a sausage wrap, gave me a kiss. My step-daughter and her adorable little baby visited. Elvis acting all anti-social but calmed down after awhile. Lovely time.
Later Sho and I played pas-a-lito, a domino game which neither one of us really knew how to play but we quickly made-up our own rules and laughed so much. I cooked up a batch of popcorn. A lot of direct eye contact. I drink iced, cold water and he drinks his beer. I updated him on what's been happening. He knows I'm grieving but comforts me. He's a good guy. We've been together about 24 years. We love each other but not in the way we loved that one other special love earlier in our respective lives. Jeesh. He hates her. I cannot say I feel the same way about my special love but I think he hates me. And I don't blame him. Truth is I've hated me for a long time. Before I even ever met him. Recovery for me has been to learn to love me, accept myself in truth, the good, bad and the ugly. I've really struggled with this. The Steps help me...this program saves my life...one day at a time.
Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty, YOU are The Greatest, The Most, The One. Thank YOU so much for all the multiple blessings YOU bestow on us all. Dear GOD, please show me the way to be of service to YOU and my spiritual brothers and sisters. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox
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