Giving up the Crutch

I wrote another blog...just as I finished there was a big POP sound across the street...a transformer blew?  I'm not sure but the electricity went out everywhere.  No electricity, no Internet, no posting.  So instead, I went outside to the garden and harvested a beautiful, yellow summer squash and some tomatoes.

The electricity is back on.  The birds are chirping, riled up. Rain is starting to come down.  It is what it is...

The readings again preoccupy my mind and heart.

Day by Day, "If we practice the things of the spirit (patience, faith, love), we will become our own living miracles."

Daily Reflections, p.169, "Each day can be like a rose unfurling according to the plan of a Power Greater than myself...Each stage of the petals' unfolding can bring wonder and delight if I do not interfere or let my expectations override my acceptance---and this brings serenity."

One Day at a Time in Al-anon, p.161, "Nothing makes us so vulnerable as to give up the crutch of The Alibi."

Courage to Change, p.161, quote, "If my problems have brought me to prayer, then they have served a purpose."---As We Understood

...In All Our Affairs, p.137, "Sometimes putting "First Things First" isn't getting my life in order, it's just picking up a pencil with a point."

Dear Merciful Lord GOD Almighty Great Spirit Creator of All that was-is-will be-and might be, YOU are IT.  The solution to all my problems and everybody elses.  YOU rule.  The wonder and glory of YOUR majesty permeates the Uni-verses of Possibilities and so-called Impossibilities.  The works of YOUR Hands are truly miraculous.  Thank YOU for Life, Liberty of Spirit and the gifts of t
he Spirit.  I love YOU and thank YOU for loving me and my brothers and sisters.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Cable Guy and how crazy I can get...in a blink

Jeesh.  So yesterday morning I'm blogging about Oneita and my phone rings.  It's the cable guy who was scheduled to work on the cable box to see why it's not working.  A couple of minutes later he's at the door knocking and I'm not prepared to answer the door.

My hair is unruly, don't have the dental partials in my mouth, wearing a tank top no-bra, blah-blah.  Believe me...an unsightly mess.  Oh.  And before I forget.  The psoriasis on my elbows exposed.  Yep. In rare form, buddy.

I ask Sho to attend to the cable man but he's on the phone talking so reluctantly I answer the door.

The cable man has his head turned down and away as if he doesn't want to see me.  Hmmm.  I'm thinking...

He enters, starts working on the the wires, etc.  I tell Sho I'm going to my room where Elvis is because he's not very socialized.  I get back to the blog but suddenly the Internet shuts down so I go to the other room where he's got equipment out to test the line.  He tells me the Internet's back on.

He stands up and starts talking, telling the details whys and wherefores the box doesn't work and he wants to go in my room.  I say no.  Elvis is in there.  I'll need to make arrangements.  He and I looking at each other, like we are toe-to-toe in some way, engaged.  I wanted to recognize him but I couldn't.  He was tall, good-looking and in some way quietly belligerent.  He finishes and leaves.

After he leaves I start thinking (which can be a sure sign things are going to go to hell and back in a few minutes---which they did).   Was that him?  The One I Owe the Biggest Amends to in my life??  I don't know.  I talk to Sho.  I cry.  I'm angry.  I just don't know.  One more time I see clearly that I cannot see him.  I feel confident of this.  Even if he were right in front of me.  Which apparently he has been on multiple occasions and not just a figment of my imagination.  C-r-a-z-y, indeed.

I reach-out to an Al-Anon friend who reassures me on many counts.  Then I call an AA friend who...gets down to brass tacks.  Write a letter of amends.  Jeesh.

Later, at work, I talk to another AA friend.  She suggests the same thing.  Write a letter.  

A letter I will never mail, never give.  A letter clearly stating where and how I was wrong...and telling the truth...it was nothing he did, it was none of his fault.  A letter where there are no justifications.  A letter where I tell the truth and the truth is I was selfish, self-centered, dishonest and made decisions based on fear.  Period.  He deserved better.  He deserved to be treated better than that.  There's nothing he did that warranted being treated in such a terrible way.  If I could've, would've, should've done it all differently I would've preferred I just told him the truth.  All of it.  The way I treated him did not reflect love, deep respect or honor.  That wasn't his fault.  He was a good guy.

A letter where I clearly state that if I could've handled it all differently, I would've treated him with dignity, respect, honor and worth.  And that although I did treat him in a very hurtful way I make a commitment that in honor of knowing and loving him, today I work to act in a loving, respectful, honest way with men.  Not perfectly but as best I can on a daily basis.  I look them in the eye and speak my truth...and practice willingness to listen to theirs.

I will write this letter, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, YOU're the ONE, the Source, the Highest, the Mostest.    Thank YOU for the abundance of love, strength and wisdom YOU shower on us all.  YOUR grace smooths the hard edges of Life and YOUR Love cocoons our spiritual transformations.   As we spread our wings, may we bring glory to YOU.  As YOU Will.  Please help me be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the spirit.  Love, Carol xoxox

What's the price of Life? Pay attention.

I had a beautiful little Chihuahua named One-ita (pronounced Juanita).   She was so fine and lovely, each hair on her exquisitely place and I used to admire her so much.  I told her GOD had placed each hair on her just right.  Her little body would shake with a soulful sigh as she unabashedly soaked up all that love and admiration, her big brown eyes saying how much she loved me.  I would tell her, "Oneita, you speak with your eyes.  I know you do."  Then she'd bat her eyelashes, squint even more.

I've written about her before.  Today I miss her. I grieve her passing away.  I feel the pain as the tears well up in my eyes.  This, too, shall pass.  Once in a while I think about her.  Sometimes Elvis reminds me of her when I feel I'm being watched and discover its his eyes looking at me as if I am his movie star, the light of his life.  He's so cute.  And he talks to me with his eyes.  Dogs are incredible and very communicative, if only I'd pay attention.  So it is in life.  If only I pay attention...

It's not that I'm a slow learner.  It's that I'm a fast forgetter...one more time.

Dear Higher Power, help me pay attention and to be of service.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol

Lost in Time

Today is my grandson's graduation from high school.  How exciting to have the privilege to participate in this event as a grandma.  As a parent, it felt very different.  The stress of time management, financial considerations, losing time at work, fit it in in all the other things that needed to get done.  My children had it hard.  May GOD shower them with blessings for surviving those challenging times.  I love them all and am deeply grateful for the honor and privilege of being their mom.  

One of the readings today reminded me of this TV show:

There was an old TV series, "Lost In Space" where a robot would spin-out as he said, "Danger, Will Robinson!  Danger!" while his accordion-shaped robotic arms flayed hysterically around.  I l-o-v-e-d watching it.  Mesmerized by the difference, lost in the story-line of other people and what's happening in their lives.

Hope for Today, p.158, "I learned how to diffuse criticism by replying, "You may be right," and using the slogan, "Think" to help me act rather than react."..."When something upsetting happens, old memories of previous hurts often come back to haunt me.  This makes it difficult to stay in the present and I start living simultaneously in the past and in the future.  The outcomes of the past get projected onto present and future situations.  I become trapped in hopelessness and find it difficult to make healthy decisions.
     "When I get lost in time, I ask what I need right then to care for myself.  If I do something physical---such as make an Alanon phone call, write in my journal, exercise, or work on a project---I detach from myself.  The past and future go back where they belong, and I come back, much calmer, to the present."

Lost in time.  That is a danger for me.  Where is GOD?  In the here and now.  "Be still...and know that I am GOD." I must stay in the here and now.  The Present.  What a gift.

Dear GOD Creator...thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

So many Gifts of the Spirit

Today is my son's birthday.  He's been a true gift in my life.  What parent likes to hear the truth about themselves from the perspective of their child?  He's helped me see a lot of truth, albeit, unwillingly cause it hurt to see the truth at times but he's loved me through-out it all.  This is not to say he didn't hate and couldn't stand the sight of me on many occasions.  Jeesh.  To think I was all that as a parent would be truly delusional on my part.  I will say I am truly grateful my children even speak and profess their love to me. That they are willing to hang-out with me is a tribute to the 12 Steps program because if nothing else,  I've learned to keep my hands off and MMOB (Mind My Own Business).  They have a Higher Power and I'm not it.  LOL

Before blogging, I read the literature gathered for today.  This morning's readings took me, swept me to heights of love, compassion, understanding far surpassing the best thinking of this limited human mind.  It takes what it takes.  The gratitude for the awesomeness of the Higher Power, the Power Greater than myself I choose to call "GOD", flows so deeply.  You know, the depth of these feelings "put the quiver to my liver", move me.  How do I describe it?  Like the first love that takes your breath away just by finding excuses to say his name or knowing he walked into the room, like the feeling of a roller coaster whirling in its rush of power, like taking a leap on a bungee cord plunging with uninhibited control, like the the warmth of a gentle kiss from the sun on a cold winter day, like the rain soothing the earth and the wilted flowers rejuvenate, alive.  On and on.  Just from reading the literature.  Such a wellspring of hope, love and sweet promise.  Wow.  I felt tears come, the gratitude so beautiful and nourishing.  I can't "earn" this nor do I need to work for it.  There's nothing I need to do except receive it, a gift freely given by my Creator.  I simply need receive it, accept it.  Thank YOU, GOD.

Day by Day, "In the 4th Step we aren't asked to generalize or simplify the nature of our wrongs.  We are asked to individualize every situation."  Jeesh.  There goes that idea...LOL

As We Understood, p.208, "Praying "forgive my sins" is vague and nothing changes, but when I recognize the power of naming a defect and asking for its removal or of naming a quality and asking for its enhancement, then---and only then---does change take place...
     "My self-knowledge is never complete without interaction with GOD and another human being.  When I eliminate GOD and others, I narrow my focus to self.  When I focus on GOD, however, I find that He does the cleaning...
     "...when I start to look at the space within which you live, at the light in your life, for the first time, I recognize your uniqueness and intricacy...
     "...what the 11th Step has come to mean to me:  watching the light and asking for the ability to see what is already planned, so that I will respond to the power instead of working against it."  Oh, my gosh, how cool is that?

Courage to Change, p.157, "When I open my heart to a Power that fills me with love and acceptance, I can begin to extend those qualities to others.  I may not do it perfectly or even consistently, but I can recognize my progress one day at a time."

Hope for Today, p.157, "Each new day I turn myself over to GOD's care because I know what He does is well done."  "I need only turn myself over one minute, one hour, one day at a time." "I began turning my life over five minutes at a time and watching GOD closely to see what happened."---a quote-From Survival to Recovery, p.34

One Day at a Time in Alanon, p.157, "Prayers for courage and guidance never go unanswered.  But I must be ready to act on that guidance."

Daily Reflections, p.166, "All that Step 6 asks of me is to become willing to name my defects, claim them as my own, and be willing to discard the ones I can, just for today.  As I grow in the program, many of my defects become more objectionable to me than previously and, therefore,  need to repeat Step 6 so that I become happier with myself and maintain my serenity."

Dear Sweet Great Spirit GOD Creator of it ALL, how magnificent YOUR bountiful gifts YOU bestow on us all.   Thank YOU for the abundance of Life, Love, and Light that YOU shine on my loved and not-so-loveables.  YOU're the Most Hightest, Greatest and Lovingest.  Thank YOU again and again.  I'm deeply grateful for this moment.  For this breath I have the privilege of breathing.  For this moment in time and space YOU've given me.  Dear Lord, I ask only for knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom and the Willingness to ACCEPT and To Do It.  All to YOUR glory.
As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

The godhead of this disease

Oh...I see.  This ego thing is something else.  Even looking back in the past it puffs itself up, "It's all about who?"  Me, me, me, me, me, me...  This is my "ism".  I.  Self.  Me.  The godhead of the spiritual disease I live with.  I didn't cause.  I can't control it.  I can't cure.  But I sure can contribute to it.  When I don't do my part.  Work the Steps, silly.

So simple...but hard to do for a ego-drive, self-centered, know-it-all psuedo wanna be god like me.  Jeesh.

In all my affairs.

Dear Sweet Almighty Creator, thank YOU.  Please show me the way to be of service to YOU and all YOUR children.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

As the world turns...jeesh.

Well, now I'm angry.  So the One Person I Owe The Greatest Amends In My Whole Life (besides myself) has been around for quite a while.  Not even a "hi" or a "f*** you".  I'm inconsequential.  I never mattered to him.  No big deal.  Really.  Then my amends means nothing to him.  There's something wrong with me thinking I mattered to him, that I hurt him and that I'm just a drama queen trying to make something out of nothing.  I grieve this.  If he wanted revenge, to hurt me deeply...this was the exact way to go.  Wow.  Invalidation.  Delusional on my part.

One of the most devastating weapons my mother used against me over and over was invalidation.  I didn't think right, feel the right emotions, say the right things, act right, made too many mistakes, she accused me of trying to kill my siblings on various occasions.  The relationship with my mother was like a bobby-trapped field. I wanted her love, to be safe, to be looked out for but over and over she exploded in my face.  I learned to not trust myself but in the end, I was all I had.  As a child, I felt torn between a deep loyalty to her, she birthed me after all and I hated anyone saying bad things about her.  I felt so embarrassed and torn.  Screaming at me, threatening, calling names, accusing and bestowing atrocious attributes upon me...the only way to please her would be if I were more like her.  A bully, mean, cruel, insensitive, with a "f*** the world"  and "f*** GOD" attitude.  Sometimes I just wanted to die or kill her to shut her up, like the last day in Austin, when I hit and knocked her down.  As I left she was laid out on the ground and I didn't know if she lived or died.  The one and only time I ever raised my hand at her.  She was slapping my face over and over because of the relationship between me and the aforementioned individual who had already left the house.  With all her force.  I just looked at her until I couldn't, wouldn't take it anymore then I hit her.  Pow.  Right in the kisser.  Down she dropped.  Surely among one of the worst days of my young life.  I was 16 years old.  She didn't move as I left.

I heard people say I looked just like her.  I could n-e-v-e-r see or accept it.  Now I can.  I do look like her.  And I am like her in a lot of ways.  Not all bad.  I surely must have provoked her in many, many ways.

As I look back and work the most stringent, vigorous inventory I've ever done, no stone left un-turned, even the boss at work says my empathy is growing stronger.  Jeesh.  My sponsor's grandmother died and she's flying out for a week.  I am so grateful for cellphones.

I found some gems from today's readings.  Yeah!  They help me so much and I'm one of those who needs all the help available.  LOL  It does get better.  I know this to be true because I still remember how it used to be.  Incredible pain...

As We Understood, p.205, "True wisdom starts with a heart full of faith, not a head full of facts."

One Day at a Time in Alanon, p.155, "We learn we cannot go on functioning as we have been, impulsively and automatically, if we hope to improve our lives.
     "If we really do want peace of mind, the first thing to realize is that it does not depend on conditions outside us, but those inside us.  An honest search of our own motives may show that we relish our martyrdom or that we fear, subconsciously, that we deserve it.
     "When we find the causes of our distress and frustration, we can establish corrective habits to overcome them."

Hope for Today, p.55, "...They don't always accept it, but it certainly feels good to have it to give."  "Higher Power, please lead me to those who can give me what I need and grant me the compassion to love those who can't."

Courage to Change, p.55, "Once we learned to see our situation as it really was, we understood why it was necessary for us to turn to a Power Greater than ourselves."  A quote from 12 & 12.

Dear Sweet Lord Almighty Creator of All there Is and Isn't, YOU're the Mostest, Highest, Greatest of All.  Without YOU, I am nothing.  Thank YOU again and again for the multiple gifts YOU bestow upon us all.  Lord, please guide, support, and provide me with the way YOU want me to go forth this day to be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters.  As YOU Will, Lord.  Love, Carol xoxox

No Birthday Night

Well, I didn't go to dinner to meet up with Linda, Lisa, etc. at the Mexican restaurant across the street from the AA club. This was the plan all week long until yesterday morning happened.

I received a telephone call on Friday night and was asked if I'd give the Person I Owe The Biggest Amends In My Whole Life's ex-wife, which by the way, I had NO idea...Jeesh...a ride in the morning to Spanish Al-Anon.  I've been taught when I'm asked to be of service...to say "yes".  I told her I'm willing to do this but it will need to be earlier because I go to the English Al-Anon at 10 am, etc.  Now, as I think back, I realize she hesitated then said "yes".

We arrive about 5 minutes before it starts, she asks to go back to my car to get her sweater, I unlock the car by remote control...which is awesome, as she's walking back I lock the car.  Kewl.  I get a cup of water and she's getting coffee and a donut.  I go ahead into the meeting and sit at the end of a table (which I never do).  She sits on the other side of my friend.  Later during the meeting I notice a beautiful young woman who I've seen before.  She's looking at me and I at her.  I look at her eyes and see the Person I Owe The Biggest Amends In My Whole Life's eyes looking back at me.  I think of him and feel those feelings flooding through me.  The ones I don't allow, from long habit, not to feel.  I think I'm delusional.  My cough wells up so I go get a warm cup of coffee and a donut.  I didn't eat breakfast so why not?

At some point I share about this keen, analytical mind I'm cursed with (a few of my Bill W. friends twitter in knowing laughter) and about how it's been important for me to write-out the things I can and cannot do re:  the Serenity Prayer. Blah-blah.  Then his "ex" says whatever, etc.  The meeting's over.

Later she discloses the Person I Owe The Biggest Amends in My Whole Life had been there.  All along.  WHAT???  Does anyone in this whole world know how many times I've imagined, felt, thought he was right by me, so close, a whisper...but I was never sure.  What she told me yesterday confirms a sneaky suspicion I've had for years...I cannot see him.  Not because he doesn't want to be seen but because the denial in my brain is so strong...I won't LET me see him.  The pain is too great.  I'm definitely crazy in this aspect.  I've cried more this past week than I can say.  As I journal, as I blog this, etc.  I'm discharging a lot of energy.

Another thing...as I reflect on yesterday I see myself...my gray hair disheveled, I'm obese, anything...I see it now...to keep male attentions off me.  I went to a co-worker's funeral on Thursday, dressed up, wearing makeup, presentable...what a difference...and received attention, even fat-assed.  Jeesh.  I've come a l-o-n-g way and I got a l-o-n-g way to go.

All this says to me is that I'm still full of it.  I met with an AA friend and we talked about all this.  He says I'm probably very inconsequential in the other person's life.  Kewl.  I never even thought of this possibility due to myopic vision challenges.  Then I met with my Alanon sponsor.  So I didn't go to dinner last night, didn't return his "ex's" phone calls, didn't go to Birthday Night.

Instead I went home, cried, took a nap, felt sorry for myself, angry, hurt, sad, afraid.  And prayed.

Sho made some bar-b-que and brought me a sausage wrap, gave me a kiss.  My step-daughter and her adorable little baby visited.  Elvis acting all anti-social but calmed down after awhile.  Lovely time.

Later Sho and I played pas-a-lito, a domino game which neither one of us really knew how to play but we quickly made-up our own rules and laughed so much.  I cooked up a batch of popcorn.  A lot of direct eye contact.  I drink iced, cold water and he drinks his beer.  I updated him on what's been happening.  He knows I'm grieving but comforts me.  He's a good guy.  We've been together about 24 years.  We love each other but not in the way we loved that one other special love earlier in our respective lives.  Jeesh.  He hates her.

I cannot say I feel the same way about my special love but I think he hates me.  And I don't blame him.  Truth is I've hated me for a long time.  Before I even ever met him.  Recovery for me has been to learn to love me, accept myself in truth, the good, bad and the ugly.  I've really struggled with this.  The Steps help me...this program saves my life...one day at a time.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty, YOU are The Greatest, The Most, The One.  Thank YOU so much for all the multiple blessings YOU bestow on us all.  Dear GOD, please show me the way to be of service to YOU and my spiritual brothers and sisters.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

It Does Get Better

Well, I'm calming down.  It was like a strong wind from the past blew and ruffled me up.  Jeesh.   You know, I'm always amazed at just how vulnerable I can feel.  I want to think "weak", limited, etc. in a cruel, harsh, perfectionistic way but recovery helps filter those thoughts into gentleness, comfort, loving forgiveness.   Thank GOD there is an option!  I can change my mind, attitudes and behaviors, especially by not reacting or acting on every passing thought or emotion I may experience today..

It does get better.  "This, too, shall pass." Yep.

Hope for Today, p.152, "I grew up believing my behavior was supposed to be perfect and hating myself when it wasn't.  No one actually told me I was supposed to be flawless, but that's what I believed.  My self-esteem diminished whenever I made a mistake, didn't know something I was expected to know, did something wrong, or when something I unintentionally did or said ended up hurting someone.  I believed my mistakes were proof of my failure at the one thing I was supposed to accomplish---perfection...Humility, not humiliation, is the long-term goal of the 4th Step inventory...to help me develop a list of the things I can change to make my life more spiritual, sane, satisfying, and serene.  In this context perfectionism is not an option."

Courage to Change, p.151 (yesterday's reading), "As a result of living in a household where alcohol was abused, the concept of being gentle with myself was foreign.  What was familiar was striving for perfection and hating myself whenever I fell short of my goals...Being human is not a character defect!  Today I will be gentle with my humanness.  A quote from John Ruskin, "The question is not what a man can scorn, or disparage, or find fault with, but what he can love, and value, and appreciate."

p.152, "We are guided on this journey by a Power greater than ourselves, but the steps we take must be our own.  Only by facing the darkness can we receive the treasure---the light and joy of emerging from all that has held us back."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.151, talks about how a member realized the program boiled down to 4 words:  Mind Your Own Business.  "I will concentrate on the things that are my concerns---and make sure which really are mine.  I will keep hands off the business of others.  I will not interfere with the alcoholic's activities, assume his responsibilities or shield him from the consequences of what he does.  A quote from Marcus Aurelius, "When you are offended at anyone's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings.  By attending to them, you will forget your anger and learn to live wisely."  NOTE TO SELF:  I MUST REMEMBER THIS!

p.152, "Our role is to allow the inevitable consequences to overtake the unhappy drinker, as they surely will if we keep ourselves from doing anything to prevent it.  The trouble that finally faces the alcoholic will be of his own making.  "Scheming to outwit the addicted person is doomed to failure.  Let's examine our own motives to be sure we're not playing self-defeating games.  We will have to dig deep for this kind of honesty, but it's well worth it."

Dear Sweet Lord, as YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Party of One again...

Those old feelings come alive.  I can feel him as if it was way back then.  The heartfelt yearning, wanting to see him, hear his voice.  This is not about sex.  It's about the heart, the inner core.  The part of me that when I used to hear his name caused flutters or just knowing he was there made me feel like I was on an elevator with cut cords, an sweet indescribable rush.  Yep. Again I grieved, cried.  Last night I tossed, turned, couldn't go to sleep.  Silly,  silly me.  My friend tells me she knows him.  That he's tall and handsome, his graying hair attractive.  I believe it.  She also tells me she reunited with a former young love and it didn't work out at all.  As if.  Even if I were free, I feel confident he wouldn't want me.  I think the underlying issue about my weight is to keep people, especially men, put-off, away. Now throw in aging wrinkles and hair chin, oh my, who the heck would want me?  LOL  Silly, silly me.

Definitely got a "pity party of one" in full swing going on here!   I must stop this and stay in reality.  I hand this one over. Jeesh.  Again and again.  Obviously with claw marks.

Dear Heavenly Lord GOD Almighty, YOUR compassionate, loving mercy is so amazing.  Thank YOU so much for all YOU do.  I love YOU and I thank YOU for loving me.  Lord, I put this relationship in my heart and head into YOUR Hands.  As YOU Will.  Lord, thank YOU for this day and please help me be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit.  Love, Carol xoxox

Submit, one more time...

My sponsor and I talked on the telephone last night.  I told her about what happened and that I'm sticking to working this inventory.  I still work other Steps.

For example, Step 1---I become AWARE how I'm powerless over when people show up in my life on GOD's time, not mine also I become AWARE thinking it's me trying to run (trying to control, direct, judge) the show, "how dare they show up now, it's not what I want right now", the unmanageability whirlwind of thoughts and emotions enmeshing, unclear of which comes first, how to stop it, fixated, obsessed, lost to consciousness, wrapped up in the insanity of my best thinking.  

Step 2---I'm c-r-a-z-y.  The delusion is that I can take care of the situation, on my own, just fine.  "It's not a delusion if I know it's not real."---what a psychiatrist told me once.  But history shows over and over just where my best thinking took me...humbled, willing to go to any lengths, ready to submit to a simple process that complicating minds keep trying to analyze and improve but it's best left alone.  It works when I work it.  There is a power greater than you and me holding the Universe, the moons, stars together and it ain't us.  The Great Spirit, The One, the Higher Power, the Creator.  Who's large and in charge?  The Higher Power.  Ready, available, waiting for me to Let Go and Let GOD which I can't do until I can ACCEPT GOD really is, believe, have faith GOD can and will do for me what I cannot do for myself.  

Step 3---Now that I see the errors of my ways, erroneous attitudes and behaviors, I go into ACTION.  I get out of the way, let go of the illusion of the reins of control, take the leap of Faith required, LET GO AND LET GOD.  "I take the leap...then the net appears."

Simple...but hard as heck to do for people like me to do...I seem to always have one more trick, one more "idea"...this needs to be squashed, smashed.  Stop it.  No more.  Basta.  Kaput.  My innermost Self must be convinced that I am not the Solution to my problem.  GOD is.  In everything, in every way.  If I just submit.  Surrender.  Let it go...

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, YOU are the Glue that holds it all together, YOU are The Light that shines on the Pathway, YOU are The Way Out, and YOU is a-w-e-s-o-m-e.  Thank YOU for it all.  This moment in time, in the Present, wrapped as a gift freely given.  May we embrace this moment, breathe in YOUR Love, and celebrate our GOD-given rights to live, love and be happy...in the freedom of the Spirit, in this world and the next.  As YOU Will.  Please help me be of service, Lord, to YOU and my spiritual brothers and sisters.  Love, Carol xoxox

Yester-years

Well, yesterday was rough.  After morning readings, meditation, blogging I picked up the phone to talk to a woman I've seen here and there in the rooms of AA.  I reached out to connect with her because she seemed so sad and during the conversation she revealed she was recently divorced about a year ago.  From the person I still owe the biggest amends to in my whole life.  I had no idea.  What's revealed to me is I'm a silly old woman just like I was a silly young girl.  Jeesh.

Oh, my GOD, how quickly my mind goes into fantasy mode, imagining this and that.  Okay.  I just might be sillier than before.  This is, indeed, a character defect.  A major character flaw.

GOD, are YOU kidding me?  I'm not ready.  I'm still inventorying the first 7 years of my life.  This individual is in the 3rd 7 years time slot.  Why can't this unfold in a controlled, orderly manner instead of like a body slam from the past????

And talk about "maudlin guilt" and "maudlin self-pity"...what a mix.  My illness doesn't let up.

Well, the best plan at the moment is to stick to the plan...keep working the Steps, finish that darn inventory, etc.  And make N-O moves without consulting my sponsor before-hand.  Please, Lord, save me from my impetuous foolishness.

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator that holds the moons and stars and Universes, thank YOU for the exquisite beauty blossomed in this moment of Life.  Thank YOU for YOUR Love, Power, Support, Wisdom and Grace YOU bestow on us all.  Lord, keep me willing to do the next right thing, to look out for my brothers and and sisters in the Spirit and to be of maximum service to YOUR Glory.  Only YOU can turn a person like me, a mess...into a message.  Lord, my tears flow for what was never to be but my heart longed for.  Only YOU know the sincerity, the loss, the true depth of the pain and despair of a lost love.  I turn this all over into YOUR Mighty, Forgiving, Healing Hands.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

To See Beyond What Seems To Be and The Bridge

Well, something I didn't mention about the day I went with Dennis was at one point there was an individual sitting in the car who I've met many, many times throughout the years.  Even though I knew his name, I'd been talking to him for a bit, all of a sudden, for a brief moment, I couldn't think of his name!  Just like that.  I looked at him and he kept talking as internally I struggled, scrambled to remember his name which I'd been using a few moments before.  I felt sad, worried, afraid, dismayed.   A blink later, I remembered...then all was fine but I didn't forget the episode.  I didn't talk about it until the next evening when a co-worker came in to work I told her and she said she has those all the time.  An early sign of dementia.  WHAT!??!?!?!  "Haven't you had them before?", she asked.  Uh, no.  More like, "where the heck are those car keys?  Or my eyeglasses."  Stuff like that. Not forgetting a person's name I'd just been using.  I do remember once when I was a teenager I was writing a letter and for some reason I could not figure out how to write the word "that".  I sounded it out in my head, visually I could not "see" it, the closest I could come to was "dat". I wrote "dat" but I knew it was wrong.  I remember the discomfort, the feeling of missing the mark, etc.  Very uncomfortable.  Jeesh.  Is it early dementia, or Alzheimer's disease or what???

As we are aging, how many of us will face the changing of our bodies and our minds?  The long ago days when we were young people feeling enthusiastic, invincible, everlasting, strong, physically engaged.  Time slowed to where a minute dragged by and felt like forever but now, it flies by with gasping speed.   There's nothing new in this since the beginning of time but it feels new to me.  I've never been here before.  I watched my grandma, my mom, aunts, uncles, cousins and movie stars throughout the years...wrinkle up, some middle aged tubby but then shrink up, shrivel up..wow.

Hope for Today, p.148:  "...I learned that the emotional numbness I had developed to cope with growing up with alcoholism contributed much to my sense of insanity.  It forced me to see life as happening outside of and unconnected to myself.  In Al-Anon, by learning to listen to my feelings, give them a name, express them.  I built a bridge between my broken self, my Higher Power, and my wholeness."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon", p.148, "...if we learn to use the leverage of GOD's help.  It is always with us, ready to give us the lift we need.  What happens then is that we are enabled to see beyond what seems to be.  ...getting a new perspective on our troubles, instead of pinpointing our thoughts on the trouble."
     "Thing cannot always go as you want them to.  Accept disappointment quietly;  cultivate the gift of silence when speaking may aggravate the difficulty."

Dear Sweet Lord Creator, thank YOU for it all.  Love, Carol xoxox

Characters, Relapses and Slips

Deep down in the shadows, we're all killers.  We kill with lies.  We kill people off all the time when we ignore them, pretend they're not there, don't talk to them, kill them off with words, deny their existence, turn away, turn our backs on them.  Or cast stones.  Stoning them with words, sometimes when they are not even there.  Character assassination.  Those are strong words, I know.  So different from how we like to think of ourselves.

"I would never do that."  "I'm good to everybody."  "They deserve it." "If they didn't make me treat them that way, I would treat them better."  "It's their fault."  "What-e-v-e-r."

"We are not saints." page 60, "Alcoholics Anonymous".  However, that is never a good excuse to treat other people as if they are insignificant, unimportant.  They are GOD's children, too.  It's very important to stay connected to others, to care about them, to stretch a hand-up, to be of service.

To love and be loved.

Jeesh.  I got a l-o-n-g way to go.

I went out to do street outreach last Thursday.  It's been a long time since I've done that.  Dennis took me to a small bridge on South First Street.  It spanned a dried-up creek bed and there was a somewhat tall cement embankment I needed to dismount.  There were a few bags with sand piled in the corner as a help, so I survived getting down there.  The brush and trees encased me and Dennis kept alerting me to avoid the plants as much as possible.  We made it to the gravelly creek bed and saw along the opposite embankment where someone had collected branches, sticks, tree limbs and interwove them into a dam-like barrier.  Looked like a beaver dam.  Awesome and very industrious work, must have taken quite some time.  Dennis called out so whoever was around could hear him and we wouldn't startle anyone.  As we approached the clearing up beyond the dam, we saw a young man sitting in his camping area.  He appeared relaxed.  Alone.  Shirtless.  He reached for his shirt but Dennis said we were looking for a certain friend and we withdrew.  We went back`down to the creek bed and as it winded through the landscape, further up, like in the movie "Mad Max and the Thunderdome", two characters appeared.  One of them had blond hair puffed-out like a wild Afro, the sun lighting it into a large halo, the other one had long mated dark hair.  Damn.  I thought.  I don't even have my phone with me in case I need to call for help.  I felt startled, a little alarmed, slightly on-guard, but relaxed, ready. As if there's a damn thing I could do.  Talk about delusional.  Anyway, they approached and as they got closer I saw one was a male and the other a female or at least, that's how they appeared.  Both of them young with a gypsy look about them.  No smiles but did look at us as we looked back and passed each other as if the creek bed was a boulevard, a street.  Interesting.  Dennis and I went further along and saw a clothesline with clothes hanging on it to dry and there was a yellow hardhat, too.  Finally we turned and went back to the cement wall which was a lot of fun for me to climb and get my big butt up.  Dennis was patient and ready to catch me if necessary.  Which is hilarious because he is slim and trim.  LOL  Hey, we survived.  Kewl beanz.  Talk about keep me humble.

As We Understood, p.200, "When we turn to GOD, we find He has been facing us all the time."

Courage to Change, p.147, "We don't see the world as it is.  We see the world as we are."  A quote from Helen Keller, "To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."

One Day at a Time in Al-anon, p.47, "When I fall into my old habits of self-pity and reproaching, my relapse is just as involuntary and forgivable as that of the alcoholic.  The bad moments will pass if I do not blow them up into tragedies."  "...a relapse is a lot more painful to the alcoholic than it is to us.  Let's not make it worse!"

Daily Reflections, p.154, "Our spiritual and emotional growth...does not depend so deeply upon success as it does upon our failures and setbacks.  If you bear this in mind, I think that your slip will have the effect of kicking you upstairs, instead of down" a quote from As Bill Sees It, p. 184  "Simple truths come in complicated ways to me when I become ego driven."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, thank YOU for the magnificence of YOUR shining Light of Truth, Forgiveness and Grace.  We all need YOU, Lord, to show us the way to do YOUR Will in all things, everyday.  I ask YOU, Lord, to use me to be
of maximum service to YOU and my spiritual brothers and sisters.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Travis Alexander murder trial and my program

You know, I've been watching the trial of Travis Alexander's murderer and as the horrific tale unfolded day after day of the atrocities perpetrated by this female offender---I could relate.  I could easily see that there, but for the grace of GOD, go I.

As I watched with fascination the mannerisms of seduction, subtle, sublime messages to the jury as she wielded her feminine wiles.  Quite masterfully, I must say.  As any woman well-versed in the art of  "working it".   I could relate.  The downcast eyes then piercing direct eye contact, one by one, no one spared.  Her female attorney, stood beside her and did the same thing, playing on sentiments.  Male or female, top dog or the lowest...casting out hooks.  Yep.  Quite riveting to watch. I watched her lie about the anal encounter with Travis, how it went down was the lie, not whether it happened or not.  The lie is also about blaming it on Travis.  Very easy  to see how she "works it" by watching how the court reporter reacted while she "worked it".  Master Bullshitter, indeed.  And she's just being herself.  So says her family as they whispered and giggled in the courtroom while watching her, encouraging her, in their own way, to keep on keeping on.  Then they get to say, "Oh, I don't know why she's like that, we're such saints, the rest of us...poor us, can you see how we've suffered with and because of her for so long?"  Hilarious, in a painful way.  Not to judge them or anyone, just to notice.

Part of my recovery has been to learn to be honest and to stop manipulating.  That is easy to say and hard as heck to do for someone who learned from such an early age to do any thing but that!  And to stop using people with such impunity.  Well, to be frank, stop using them to wipe my butt with.  The incredible lack of respect, dignity of worth, is appalling.  I disconnected from the honor and privilege of just getting the opportunity to meet each person on this life journey much less treating them well.  Recovery has re-taught me how to live life.

You know, it is a family disease.  If one falls ill with the spiritual illness, it affects e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y, family members and friends for generations to come.  Unless they seek recovery.  Well, this is certainly what happened to me.  But for the grace of GOD...

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the privilege to live life this moment. Thank YOU for every breath and blessing YOU bestow on us all.  Lord, may Travis's life and death be a reminder for me to get down on my knees to ask YOU for help in all matters in my life so that I stay out of the roles of playing like I'm God-jury, judge and executioner in one.  Instead I can work the Steps and lean on YOU for guidance, strength, courage and wisdom.  All to YOUR glory.  Love, Carol xoxox

The mix of Assets, Defects and Patterns

Wow.  I don't know where to start.  When I came to AA in 1993, I experienced the 12 Step program like a body slam, no holds barred.  Those oldtimers were right on.  And vigorous.  Keep the plug in the jug.  If you don't drink, you won't get drunk.  Do this, do that or your sobriety is at stake which means your life is at stake.  Non-negotiable.  The 12 Steps were not like a buffet of choices where you just take your time, do them if you feel like it, when and how you want to.  Not in AA.  That was not my experience any way.  Do or die.  Period.  I didn't have to do the Steps perfectly because I'd get to use them over and over as tools, spiritual tools to help me learn a new way of living life.

Then came along the Al-anon experience which has been more of a gently unfolding flower bud.  E-a-s-y, s-l-o-w motion.  Do it at a gentle pace, at your own speed.  More like that buffet style I described above.

So...as I read the literature and meet self on just about every page in a myriad of situations and possibilities imaginable, I experience these processes as interwoven.  Different but the same.  "Million dollar programs given a nickel at a time" indeed!

Today's readings were awesome...golden, precious nuggets for the treasure chest...

Day by Day, "If you don't like what you hear at this meeting, leave it here."  The reading referred to some of us leave everything at the meeting because we only listen to what we want to hear and don't want to hear things like, "Work the Steps, you're not better than anyone else." or that the "hard work, things we don't like, are usually the very things that make it possible for us to arrest our disease.  Do I listen to what I need to hear?"

Daily Reflections:  A quote from Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 64, "When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." It talked about how material success and intellectual power disguise pride.  "Intelligence is not incompatible with humility, provided I place humility first...To be fashionable and to seem better than I really am is a spiritual illness.
     "To recognize and to admit my weaknesses is the beginning of good spiritual health.  It is a sign of spiritual health to be able to ask God to enlighten me, to recognize His will, and to have the strength to execute it.  My spiritual health is excellent when I realize that the better I get, the more I discover how much help I need from others."

One Day at a Time in Al-anon:  "...a new life, which we can achieve only by letting go of what we cannot control, and by undertaking, one day at a time, the monumental task of setting our world in order through a change in our own thinking.
     "I will apply the wisdom of the First Step not only to my relations with the alcoholic, but to all the people and happenings in my life.  I will not attempt to manage or control what is clearly beyond my powers;  I will dedicate myself to managing my own life, and only mine.
     ---"There's only one corner of the world you can be sure of improving and that is your own self."

Courage to Change:  "Sometimes the healthiest thing I can do for myself is to admit that I'm not perfect.  I am human.  I make mistakes....there is a price to pay if I refuse to open up when I've been wrong---guilt...When I admit the error I take responsibility for my actions.  I free myself from the burden of an embarrassing secret, and I move closer to accepting my imperfection.  It becomes much easier to love myself if I accept myself as I truly am, mistakes and all.
     "Today I will have the courage to look the truth in the face, admit my errors and my achievements, appreciate my growth, and make amends where I have done harm.  Quote, "I care about truth not for truth's sake but for my own."-Samuel Butler

As We Understood:  (Referred to Step 11).  "During my daily quiet time, I try to focus all my attention on God.  When I take my problems to Him, I try to leave them there and keep my focus of attention on Him...I have come to believe that God does not usually send a crisis nor take it away, but that He gives me the grace I need to turn a crisis into an opportunity for growth."

...In All Our Affairs:  "Sometimes we must accept ourselves, defects and all, before those defects are removed.  As we continue to notice the effects of these attitudes and behavior patterns that no longer serve us, we take the Sixth Step, becoming entirely ready for God to remove them.
     "It can be humbling to discover that, though we have to do our part, we remain powerless to eliminate our defects by ourselves."  Which leads us to the Seventh Step...we ask God to help us.  Yep.  It's like that.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator of it All, YOU are soooo amazingly greatly awesome!  The beauty and power of this moment to be with YOU is such a gift, a privilege.  Thank YOU for it all.  Lord, I ask YOUR help in living this day, one moment at a time, to YOUR glory.  If I can be of service, Lord, please use me and show the way to be of maximum service to
YOU and my spiritual siblings.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Acts of GOD, tragedy, and Hope

You may wonder why I bother to do these notes.  I'm actually quite selfish to be honest.  Whenever I need to, I can refer to these notes to help me get back on track.  They are no big deal, just simple collection of treasures I pick up along life's daily pathways.  I'm motivated to share them as a part of my service work in recovery and hope the notes help you as much as they do me.  I'm a quick forgetter so the ability to refer to the written format is very helpful.

The reading in Day by Day, "There are tragic experiences in our lives, even clean and sober,  There often seems to be no logical or compassionate answer.  The unexplained misery of the faithful sometimes seems so cruel that we wonder how GOD can do this to His children.  We do not know the answers.
     "We know that our problems are of our own making, but what about the acts of GOD?  It is said that our greatest burdens are our greatest gifts.  the most tragic experiences can help us really learn to be of service and at one with our Creator.  Can I accept tragedy?
     "I can't, GOD can, and He will if I let Him."

In Daily Reflections what stood out was, "The journey to find GOD and to do His Will one day at a time began with the first word of the first Step..."We".  There was power in numbers,...strength in numbers,...safety in numbers,...life in numbers.  If I had tried to recover alone I probably would have died.  With GOD and another alcoholic (or Al-anon, etc.) I have a divine purpose in my life...I have become a channel for GOD's healing love."

In One Day at a Time in Al-anon, the main focus seemed to be the slogans as simple reminders to let go and r-e-l-a-x.  Keep it Simple.   "Here are those great tension-relievers:  Let Go and Let GOD---Easy Does It---Live and Let Live---First Things First."  Also a quote from Hoagy Carmichael, "Slow motion gets you there faster."

In Courage to Change, "Only when I risk taking a close look at myself can my fears give way to the truth:  As a child of GOD, I am all I need to be---loving, lovable, and splendid...Today I will take time to strengthen my relationship with my Higher Power.  This will bring me closer to seeing the truth as my ally and recognizing my own inner loveliness."  Quote from Louis L. Hay, "I now choose to rise above my personality problems to recognize the magnificence of my being.  I am totally willing to learn to love myself."

Hope for Today was d-e-e-p.  I highlighted most of the page! "Now I have choices throughout my day.  If I start feeling emptiness and shame, I know I've crossed back to that place of isolation.  When I'm ready to return to self-love, all I need to do is practice "Let It Begin With Me" by finding th fun and humor already present in my life.  Anticipating enjoyment is a good way to begin my day.  If I lose my place, I'll remember I can start my day over at any time."  A quote "From Survival to Recovery", p.185, "I haven't succeeded in changing my past, of course, but the present is filled with promise, and amazingly, I am discovering that it is fun to be me."

Dear GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

Aftermath of Devastation

I remember my mother saying she had died and was forced to come back.  She said this place is terrible, like after a hurricane or tornado has gone through it. She said the other place was beautiful, peaceful and she wanted to go back.  Now, I listened to her and tried to keep an open mind.   I figured if she had any experience in this she would know.  I struggled to believe what mom said.  Sometimes she could be very clear, earthy, grounded.  Other times she was way out there but could make it sound like perfect sense.

I watched the news last night of the devastation caused by a huge tornado that ripped across Moore, Oklahoma   So violent.  So sad.  Terrible.  Sho said he wanted to go help but didn't want to leave me here.  He said he didn't know what he could do because he has a hard time just keeping the yard up, as he looked out the screened front door.  I told him I could relate.  I suggested we pray for them because I do believe prayer helps.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty, Life is so brief and we don't just know when we have to leave this earthplane to return to YOU.  Lord, while we are here, please guide and support us in doing YOUR Will.  Lord, I put us all in YOUR Great, Awesome, Healing, Compassionate Hands.  As YOU Will.
Please help me of optimum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters of the Spirit.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Tunnel Lighted with Lamps of Hope

I contemplated not reading the epilogue in Alanon's 12 & 12, I mean, what's the point?  I'd already read and studied the book, who cares what the last of the last page says?  Thank goodness I stayed disciplined and finished what I started or missed a beautiful story...

p.139, "I often think of a picture that came to my mind when I first read the Twelfth Step and tried to understand it.  I looked back on my troubled life, before Al-anon, when I felt as though I were groping around in a terrifying black cave.  There was no way out.  No matter how desperately I prayed and struggled, I was trapped.  There was no way out of the hopeless confusion of my life.
     "Suddenly someone, a stranger, took me by the hand and led me around a turn in the cave that opened up into a tunnel, dotted by a row of lights.  He led me as far as the first light and said, 'Just keep following the lights and you'll be alright.'  I didn't care where they led just as long as I could get out of the black despair I was living in.
     "As I walked from one light to the next, the path through the tunnel became more and more bright and my fears gradually faded.  Finally there came the brightest light of all---sunshine and freedom!
     "The lights were our Twelve Steps and our Twelve Traditions which kept showing me the way out of my confusion.  With them I felt wholly secure.
     "I knew there were many others like me who couldn't find their way to that tunnel lighted with lamps of hope.  Remembering my own pain, I tried to start many others to that ultimate sunshine we find in our beautiful program."

Lovely.  Glad I didn't miss this nugget.  Wow...

Dear Lord Creator Almighty GOD, thank YOU for the precious gems of YOUR Wisdom, Power, Glory, Love and Grace shining on us all.  Thank YOU for the many opportunities YOU provide us all to get and stay on the path to the way out of the dark caves of our minds.  Thank YOU for the beautiful stories that shine rays of hope.  Please Lord, help me be of service to YOU and my beautiful brothers and sisters of the Spirit.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

A Changing Attitude

One night I awoke from my sleep and I felt embraced, cocooned in the arms of my Higher Power.  I felt surrounded by such a deep profound love, warmth of acceptance, glow of strength and grace.  I can recall it so well because of its impact.  It felt very powerful, real, natural, beautiful, peaceful, harmonious, and eternal all at the same time.  Today's reading reminded me...

"As We Understood", p.187, "...I became aware of a presence behind me as I was doing the dishes.  I saw nothing, but my mind was gripped in a way that seemed like somebody tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Pay attention."  And I was surrounded, enclosed, lapped in the most glorious sensation of being loved, comforted, warmed, held securely.  It is impossible to describe it."  It's amazing to read this stuff! How many of us have had similar experiences but never really talk about it?  Wow.

This reminds me of the time Marty (one of my dearest friends) and I were talking.  He's a musician and he had a small guitar tuner box that glowed green whenever a string was tuned to a specific musical note.  He kept looking behind me then finally he said that every time I spoke, the box lit-up.  Apparently I speak in the key of "g".  How cool is that?

The differences in these memories is validation.  There is no one who can certify, one way or the other, that the experience of waking up and feeling cradled in GOD's arms happened or that it is real except for me.  The other experience of speaking in the key of "g", well, Marty was there.

At times, I remember feeling so invalidated that I wouldn't speak up, check on things, act in any way to validate myself.  If someone else said differently, I was "wrong", no questions asked.  Then the pendulum swung far to the other side, I had to be "right" no matter what.  I took no prisoners.  I stamped "valid" on all my points of view without taking others into consideration, oblivious to them.  Jeesh.

It's been a process in growing up, taking responsibility in ways I never imagined.  Where blaming others, fault-finding, finger-pointing and denying any responsibility was a way of life and locked in the rigid, self-centered, ruthless, inconsiderate, insensitivity to others or "Self prison".  Intolerant, critical, judgmental thinking...changing to an attitude of "love and tolerance is our code."  Jeesh.

"Gratitude is an attitude".  Kewl.

Well, I reached p.138 in Alanon's 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.  It's the last page except for the epilogue.    What stood out..."There I was, full of fears and insecurities; yet, at the same time, I was such a snob.  I sat in meetings in judgment of others.  I decided that certain members who made a good appearance and seemed intelligent had something to offer...Completely defeated by alcoholism, I gave the alcoholic such control over my life that I had no other Higher Power...How shattered I was when I learned that some of my idols had feet of clay, and how unfair it was for me to put them up on a pedestal.  I had to learn the only one who deserved that kind of blind trust of faith was my Higher Power..."Who am I to judge how another person works the program?"..."Don't discount the message just because you don't like the messenger."

Dear Lord GOD Almighty, YOU are amazingly amazing.  LOL   Thank YOU for the magnificence of YOUR Love, Power and Grace.  I appreciate all YOU do, be, are for us.   YOU are The ONE, The Source, The Creator.  Thank YOU for the abundance of blessings YOU gift us everyday, all day and night. Truly the miracle of YOUR Love makes everything wonderful and worthwhile.  Please help guide and support me, Lord, in the direction YOU want me to go this day and every day to be of maximum service to do YOUR Will.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol oxox

Start from now...

omg, two readings were w-a-y out, stood out there.

...In All Our Affairs, p.112, titled "Receiving My Higher Power's Help" is a gripping story of an untreated Alanon and how the progressive effects of alcoholism convinced her that her husband hated and despised her; she felt so alone and friendless; she spent months planning ways to kill him; she reached a point of insanity and decided the next time he came home he would find them all dead---their 3 children and her; decided she couldn't go on living with a man who hated her so much and couldn't let their children live in this cruel world without her; she mixed up poisoned milk shakes...GOD intervened and she knocked the drink out of the child's hand then poured the drinks out.  Not long after this she jumped out of a train, ends up in a psychiatric hospital for 3 years where Alanon members met her, took her to meetings but she didn't go on her own, self-pity, later on her husband is diagnosed with terminal cancer, finally she goes to Alanon on her own and is ready to work the program.  "Sometimes I can revert to the old pattern but I have only to bring to mind one of the Alanon slogans, practice it, and my life returns to peace."

As We Understood..., p.185, "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end."

I've learned in this program to never spit up by looking down on a person for what all they've been through on their life's journey and to remember that there, but for the grace of GOD, go I.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the abundance of miracles YOU bestow on us all on a daily basis.  Thank YOU for the privilege of Life and the experiences of knowing YOUR Loving embrace.  Lord, please help me be of service to YOU and my spiritual siblings and guide, support my efforts to live life on YOUR terms, as YOU Will, not mine.  Love, Carol

Unblock the Flow

Yesterday, no matter what I did, my computer would not work for me so I wasn't able to blog.  I ran ARO and left it alone.  This morning...Yeah!!!

This morning's readings were soooo powerful.  Truth is, every morning this is so.

Day by Day, May 17, "The toxins of fatigue and hunger...the poisons fermented by resentment and temper have been demonstrated by us.  Ironically, our outbursts often occur over non-essentials.  And that is a real killer for us.
     Our panic over misfortune, needless fears and emotional turmoils is merely a bad habit.  When we air our minds spiritually and let our Creator flow through, it is possible to achieve more comfortable habits of patience, tolerance, and love.  Have I stopped overreacting?"

Daily Reflections, p.146, "Forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others are just two currents in the same river, both hindered or cut-off completely by the dam of resentment.  Once that dam is lifted, both currents can flow."

Courage to Change, p.138, (referring to the slogan "one day at a time") "I can further compress the focus of this slogan to address one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time.  In such small increments life begins to feel not only bearable but precious.  At any given moment,  no matter what is going on, if I concentrate on being right here, right now, I know that I am fine."

Hope for Today, p.138, used the word "denial" eleven times!  To paraphrase...

1. suggested topic for discussion was denial
2. struck by a broader awareness of denial than previously imagined
3. denial of the disease of alcoholism and its side effects
4. denial of the pain inherent in betrayal, loss, disability, and death
5. upbringing encouraged to engage in other subtle but perhaps equally devastating forms of denial
6. used denial to block from feeling pain, but it also blocked from experiencing pleasure
7. working program of recovery means letting go of denial by opening heart to daily sources of wonder and delight, also practicing gratitude for daily miracles, savor the beauty to be found in each day, no matter how fleeting and give thanks to Higher Power for allowing to witness it
8. "Another form of denial is thinking I am the sum of my problems and limitations....have accepted the truth:  I am a spiritual being."
9. denial replaced "by acceptance of an infinitely larger, more beautiful reality in which I rely on the strength and guidance of a Power greater than myself for protection and direction".
10. "Today I let go of my denial, face the truth, and celebrate my recovery."
11. "Denial is a symptom of the effects of alcoholism." a quote from Courage to Change, p.146

It goes on and on.  I feel so grateful for the privilege it is to be blessed with the knowledge that no matter what, there is a Power greater than us all who has it all covered, all we gotta do is our part.  Keep it simple, sweetheart.  Do the work.  Get out of the way.  Hands off and heart on. We are not alone.

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for YOUR awesome gifts of Love, Compassion, Provision amd Guidance.  YOU are truly the Mostest.  Please help guide and support me in efforts to be of service.  Love, Carol xoxox

Agree to Disagree

I was talking with a friend who has struggled with accepting me and my "ways".  She's a GOD-fearing woman and she loves me.  I assured her that I loved her, too.  Just because I love someone doesn't mean I'm going to co-sign their stuff.  She looked quizzical, not quite understanding so I used an instance where she and I had a serious difference of opinion on an unfolding situation.  Neither one of us were "wrong" per se, it's just we had different perspectives.  This didn't make us "bad" people.  If I'd changed my difference of opinion just because of feeling uncomfortable, people-pleasing behavior then I would not have been true to my inner truth.   I would be co-signing hers at the cost of mine.

The  willingness to appreciate and honor her point of view while maintaining my right to have a different perspective is a symptom of healthy recovery, imo.  The right to agree to disagree.  Kewl.

A couple of readings from the literature stood out...AA's meditation book, Daily Reflections, May 15th:

"Know GOD;
Know peace.
No GOD;
No peace."

Alanon's "...As We Understood", p.178:

"Very early in the Al-Anon program, we are told to "Let Go and Let God."  This does not mean that we will do nothing.  It simply means that we will let God work through us to give expression to perfect ideas and constructive thoughts.  To know this and accept it as the truth enables us to be free and to be at peace in mind and body.  I've seen this work in my own group.  Where there is peace, there has to be love, and only when we "Let Go and Let God" can we feel this inner peace."

Dear Sweet Lord Almighty Creator of it all, thank YOU for the mah-ve-lous wonder of it all.  Thank YOU for the morning sun rise, birds singing as they busily feed their babies, Elvis snoring and the privilege to live Life as it reveals itself.  Thank YOU for the multiple opportunities YOU provide us all to draw closer to YOUR divine, unconditional, steady, pure Love so freely given.  YOU're a-w-e-s-o-m-e!  As we were made in YOUR image, we must surely be awesome, too.  All glory to YOU.  Lord, please help me stay close to YOUR love, guidance and support and to do YOUR Will to be of maximum support to my spiritual brothers and sisters.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol` xoxox

In my head, Zombie

What is it about holidays or designated "special" events that rile me up so much?  My anxiety flares, hyper-vigilance, people-pleasing, want to "do it right", show-up, be present...then when the moment is on me...I'm there, do the best I can, whatever that means in the moment, and then it's over...everything went just fine, no big deal.  B-u-t, oh my gosh, in my head!  What an event!

I remember my kids singing the song, "In my head, in my head, zombie, zombie" by the Cranberries.

They sang it so much I started knowing the words and sang along with them...today I can see why.  Jeesh.  LOL

In my recovery process I've learned to stay out of there.  In my head is a dangerous neighborhood and the only time I need to go in there is for a "Neighborhood Clean-up" with a sponsor, a trusted friend that has done the 12 Steps work themselves, and they have a sponsor who has a sponsor, and so on.  I know where my best thinking took me and it wasn't a good place until I made it to the rooms of the 12 Steps.  Thank GOD (the one of my understanding).  I've learned to trust in a Power Greater than me that has it all covered, no questions asked.  All I gotta do is do my part and that is stay the heck out of the way, pray, then do the next right thing.  It's not that hard but like the saying goes, "If it's not hard, give me a minute."  Even while in the rooms, I've taken some curves off the straight and narrow path, very easy to do but I've found out over and over:  the easier, softer way is to work the 12 Steps program.  It works EVERY TIME if I just get off my ass-mosis and do the work.  Jeesh.  I really am a turtle!  LOL s-l-o-w....

Dear Sweet Lord GOD of my understanding that surpasses all understanding, thank YOU for this precious moment of Life YOU bestow on us all.  It is such a brief, fleeting time that quickly flies by as we age but seemed to d-r-a-g when we were little children.  Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow on us all, whether we appreciate it or not YOUR Love is constant, pure and true.  I pray for YOUR guidance and support to be of maximum service to YOU and my spiritual brothers and sisters.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

The day after Mother's Day

Well, there you go.  Mother's Day was nice.  I went to the noon AA "Big Book study with Joe and Charlie" meeting.  Afterward I stopped at a store to buy my new GoWalk Skecher tennis shoes (courtesy of Sho).  That was fun.

When I arrived home, Sho had meat smoking on the bar-b-que pit and I worked on relocating some plants, transplanted, etc.

Why did I think no one was visiting?

Before long, my oldest son and his large-sized family arrived, then the youngest son, then oldest daughter, her husband and Stitch (her dog who kind of thinks he's ours, too.  He's Elvis's brother).  The house was full.  The two youngest were engrossed with the fish aquarium and had to be monitored.  Elvis was put in my room...just in case.

Nice.

I felt some sadness when one of my daughter-in-laws didn't visit or call to say "Happy Mother's Day".  I missed the sound of her voice in the mix.  It's so uniquely hers.  She and my youngest son are amicably separating and he helped her move out of their house on Saturday.  They are still "friends".  I grieved this for a moment but used the Serenity Prayer to process it, put it all in GOD's hands.  They have the right to live their lives, make their own decisions and their own Higher Power to guide them.  My part is to keep out of other people's business and mind my own.  I got plenty to keep me busy.

None of my stepchildren called or came by.  They probably think and say I was the worst stepmother in the world.  I refuse to blame them.  I do hope one day they will see I've truly loved them since I first met them and felt very responsible.  It was as if GOD brought them to me, gifts each and every one of them.  They really taught me a lot, stretched me to grow in so many ways.  I only wanted to look out for them, keep them safe and together.  We were in a pretty messed-up situation.  It was survival.  They have grown up to be pretty decent people and I'm proud of them.  If nothing else, they have big hearts and want to do good.  I doubt I have anything to do with that other than I confronted and pushed them to stay accountable.  There were just too many children in our household not to.

All those children were there in the latter stages of my drinking career and in early sobriety.  Guess how much impact that had on them?  It must have been horrible for them either way.  I put them all in GOD's powerful, compassionate, healing hands.  As YOU Will, Lord.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator of my understanding, thank YOU for the magnitude of this moment hidden in the mystery of time.  Each moment unfolds and reveals its power.  Please help guide and support me through this process of living Life, help me be of service to YOU and my spiritual brothers and sisters.  Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow on us all.  Love, Carol xoxox

Mothers' Day Again...been blogging for a year! Wow.

Saturday was heavy-duty.  I woke-up at 5:30 am, got on the computer and worked on creating a CD that plays on a boombox.  This necessitated a lot of steps.

1. the recordings are on a small memory card inserted in cellphone  
2. the small memory card requires an USB adapter so the info can be transferred to the computer
3. the adapter is key-chained to a small coin purse that is in my purse
4. insert the USB adapter with installed SD card into computer port.
5. open the wave editor program to create, edit, make tracks, label, etc.
6. open CD burner program, define order of tracks, etc.
7. burn CD and some copies, save project.  Done.

Sounds simple and easy, right?  It wasn't.  I'd never used the editor program, so it was trial and error.  Another challenge was I'd listened to the recording before but this time the listening was confined to defining logical breaks almost 15 minutes apart.  It was like creating an outline of topics, writing down the points, marking on the spots before and after, plus keep in mind the time elements.  Creating the tracks and giving them a name was particularly time intensive.  It got done.  Tested the product.  Excellent.  Only for the grace of GOD.  I kept turning it over.  Kewl.

About 7:45 am, I'd read from 3 meditation books when a text came from an Alanon friend who answered my text to her from the night before.  She said she'd meet me for breakfast tacos and a cup of coffee at the Mexican restaurant close to the meeting place at 9 am.  Kewl.

I gathered my clothes together, took a shower and washed my hair, got dressed, gathered the boombox, CDs, purse, keys, etc. then drove into town.  Made it with 10 minutes to spare.  Thank GOD.  I kept turning it over and over.  Kewl.

We each ordered and enjoyed a taco of scrambled eggs with nopalitos (cactus) on corn tortilla and a l-o-v-e-l-y cup of coffee.  Mmmm.  Then we sat on a white-painted wooden bench on the front porch of the restaurant and conversed.  (It's the same restaurant where the man showed-up and I used the Ho'oponopono for the first time).  Afterwards, we made it to the 10 am English Alanon meeting with a few moments to spare.  It was awesome.  The topic was from How Alanon Works, p.101, title "Keep coming back".  Poignant, powerful, and beautiful.  Kewl.

At 11, I went to the car, grabbed the boombox and CD's, made it to the Spanish Alanon meeting.  There were 4 of us there this time.  Four.  Wow.  For so long, it's just been me.  A spasmodic interest by one or two then nothing.  I was finally beginning to think, "Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I really need to stop.  Maybe it's not GOD's Will but mine I'm trying to do."  Then Ruben came along and he's been steadfast and true.  Now there are 4.  Wow.  We listened to the Spanish preamble on the CD, so well read and spoken, then heard Salvador talk about 16 minutes.  Powerful impact.  He nails it EVERY TIME, not some of the time.  Beautiful.  Each of us disclosed how we qualified for Alanon and our feelings.  At the end of the meeting we discussed the format, the primary purpose to help other families of friends of alcoholics, and opened it to suggestions.  One of the participants is computer savvy and offered to help.  She can do in a snap what takes me so long.  LOL   Another can bring 2 friends next week.  Just when I was so close to giving up.  Who knew?  And remember those copies I made?  I had enough to give everybody one.  Awesome.   Thank YOU, GOD.

At 12, to the Principles of Recovery meeting.

At 1:45, met with Alanon sponsor.

At 2:45, as I walked to my car I saw a young Hispanic male walking down the driveway away from the club.  I watched as his manner of stride and posture changed.  Like the Incredible Hulk, he changed from upright, purposeful walking.  He began to slouch.  He reached-up, pulled the bandanna down on his forehead barely over his eyes,  and shuffled his walk like the steps of a gangsta depicted in the movies.  Just like that.  He appeared relaxed, comfortable, in sync with what he knows how to be, how to act in the world he knows.  Fascinating.  I thought about how would early century Romans wear their clothes and act?  Or someone from the Roaring Twenties?  Or Biblical times?  Or War World II?  Or Victorian England?  Or the Renaissance?  Of wearing a Zoot Suit with a dangling chain?  Or golden watch fob tucked into a small vest pocket?  Or corsets?  Or hooped dresses?  Or wearing braids down to the waist?  Or bald skinheads?  Living in a teepee?  Living in adobe houses?  With air-conditioning or without?  In the tropics or ice lands?  I could see where this Hispanic male in his world fitted-in with the rest.  Kewl.


On and on went the day.  It was a good day.  I'm grateful.

Which leads me to...today is Mothers' Day.  GOD bless us all.

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator of all that was-is-will be-and might be, thank YOU so much for the great privilege to be here participating in this moment granted by YOU.  Please help guide and support me to be of service to YOU and all others of YOUR creation.  Love, Carol xoxox